So it's day 31 and still no period. But I've wasted like $15 on tests to tell me that I'm not pregnant over the last week...sigh...so I'm still in purgatory.
I disclose all this information because I'm on vacation from work for 11 days starting today. I'd like to go on a fun vacation, perhaps even back to Vegas...hopefully to do it RIGHT this time. The thing is, I need to know what "state" I'm in before I make plans or get in my car and put the pedal to the metal. Okay, I guess I don't need to know, but I would certainly like to know.
I guess I'm just frustrated that my body isn't really back to normal; a 28 day cycle this month and regular PMS symptoms would have been a really sweet sign. And it irritates me that I'm still sad some times. And I can't tell whether my horrible eating is just a coping mechanism or if I'm using my sadness and stress as excuses to eat badly. Clearly a lot of both of those reasons, but still...
Where are you going on vacation this spring? Hopefully in a couple of days I'll be sipping Cabernet Franc on the Niagara peninsula. Or scheduling doctor's appointments. Or not being a fat bum on my couch.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Not "Well"
So today I got my wellness screening results in the mail from the tests we did at work a few weeks ago. Needless to say, it wasn't very uplifting. My glucose level was like one point over the "safe" zone. It's probably not a big deal, but what the heck? I totally had all of this stuff under control at this time last year. Man, what a difference a year can make. 30-40 lbs of difference. Ugh. Having a high glucose level is no good for making OR carrying a baby, so I guess I'm going to have to stop stealing my husband's regular sodas.
Secondly, my platelet level was also slightly elevated. Investigating why that might be, I found that it's something that often happens in pregnant woman. Awesome. The last thing I needed on that report was a reminder of what I used to be but no longer am. I want to think that my body has forgotten and no longer still wears the vestigial vestments of motherhood, but alas I guess I am wrong.
My attitude needs a makeover. I was so excited, so ready, for this the first time around. Now I'm all negativity and rain clouds. I guess I'm going to go for a walk to the grocery store. Report card comments+bad health screening results+negative pregnancy test this morning= in need of sunshine and warmth.
Secondly, my platelet level was also slightly elevated. Investigating why that might be, I found that it's something that often happens in pregnant woman. Awesome. The last thing I needed on that report was a reminder of what I used to be but no longer am. I want to think that my body has forgotten and no longer still wears the vestigial vestments of motherhood, but alas I guess I am wrong.
My attitude needs a makeover. I was so excited, so ready, for this the first time around. Now I'm all negativity and rain clouds. I guess I'm going to go for a walk to the grocery store. Report card comments+bad health screening results+negative pregnancy test this morning= in need of sunshine and warmth.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Cinematherapy
Last night I was feeling a little down, so I headed to the local movie theater for some cinematherapy. I don't usually get to watch midnight movies on Thursday nights, but due to a day off I decided to check one out. My flick pick was Dan Who Lives At Home, so I shuffled into the nearly-empty movie theater with my sour punch straws, medium coke, and small popcorn. The movie was really enjoyable, and it was the perfect therapy for a bummed out brain. I appreciated how uplifting and affirming it was without being hackneyed or lame. It had something pretty honest and realistic to say about the human experience, but really it was just a simple, character-driven story, which is my favorite type of movie.
As I left the theater though, I was confronted with these lovely movie posters. Okay, obviously everything about pregnancy makes me jealous and cynical right now, but even if I'd never had a miscarriage, I don't think I'd have any desire to see this movie. These chick-flicks that insult female intelligence and wheedle us down to the lowest common denominator are not my favorites. Guys versions of how we think. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I won't look like Cameron Diaz when I get pregnant. lol. It just looks a little silly, so I'm not interested. But then again, isn't that like every single movie that comes out these days? It's not often that I actually get the urge to head to the movie theatre nowadays. But you just watch, I'll be eating my words in like four months when I'm pregnant and I'm all like "I wanna go see the stupid pregnant lady movie". lol.
Thursday was a pretty good day all in all. I didn't eat well, unless you consider pizza in the Little Caesars parking lot to be a well-balanced meal, but I did get some walking in on a very windy and foggy night. I guess we've been a little spoiled with 75 degree days. It's still March, after all. My total walking for the day was 3.3 miles which is pretty decent, so I'm feeling pretty good. Hopefully the weather will stay nice, and I'll get to walk this much consistently going forward.
As I left the theater though, I was confronted with these lovely movie posters. Okay, obviously everything about pregnancy makes me jealous and cynical right now, but even if I'd never had a miscarriage, I don't think I'd have any desire to see this movie. These chick-flicks that insult female intelligence and wheedle us down to the lowest common denominator are not my favorites. Guys versions of how we think. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I won't look like Cameron Diaz when I get pregnant. lol. It just looks a little silly, so I'm not interested. But then again, isn't that like every single movie that comes out these days? It's not often that I actually get the urge to head to the movie theatre nowadays. But you just watch, I'll be eating my words in like four months when I'm pregnant and I'm all like "I wanna go see the stupid pregnant lady movie". lol.
Thursday was a pretty good day all in all. I didn't eat well, unless you consider pizza in the Little Caesars parking lot to be a well-balanced meal, but I did get some walking in on a very windy and foggy night. I guess we've been a little spoiled with 75 degree days. It's still March, after all. My total walking for the day was 3.3 miles which is pretty decent, so I'm feeling pretty good. Hopefully the weather will stay nice, and I'll get to walk this much consistently going forward.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Negatives of Trying to Conceive
When you tell people you are "trying to conceive", people often think it must be an exciting time in your life. Of course, it is, but not without some darker sides. They assume that it must be filled with romantic rendezvouses and excited AM pregnancy tests (that of course end in squeels and hugs). What they don't picture is a very frustrated woman sitting on her couch and wishing she could have a few glasses of wine after a stressful week. But oh no...she can't.
Why? She's 28 and gainfully employed. She doesn't have work tomorrow. Oh, right...because there's this not so exciting period while trying to conceive between the trying and the testing--a sort of procreational purgatory. During this time, between days 20 and 28, you might be pregnant and therefore can't do anything fun whatsoever. But then you get to day 28 and find out that you weren't pregnant at all, and you could have easily had that bottle of wine four days prior. There in lies the rub.
In the end, I suppose that...sigh...it's all worth it. lol. Of course it is. I certainly would surrender ever drinking a drop of Cab Sav again if it meant I could be preggers right now, but the fussy 18 year old in me wants to stomp my feet and go, "It's not fair!". lol.
In other news...today the husband and I went on an absolutely delightful 6.2 mile walk. The weather was stellar and the lake winked at us with sparkling cerulean eyes. The city was a vision on the horizon, a specter cloaked in a thin veil of fog. I love walking; there's no better way to fall in love with this city.
Why? She's 28 and gainfully employed. She doesn't have work tomorrow. Oh, right...because there's this not so exciting period while trying to conceive between the trying and the testing--a sort of procreational purgatory. During this time, between days 20 and 28, you might be pregnant and therefore can't do anything fun whatsoever. But then you get to day 28 and find out that you weren't pregnant at all, and you could have easily had that bottle of wine four days prior. There in lies the rub.
In the end, I suppose that...sigh...it's all worth it. lol. Of course it is. I certainly would surrender ever drinking a drop of Cab Sav again if it meant I could be preggers right now, but the fussy 18 year old in me wants to stomp my feet and go, "It's not fair!". lol.
In other news...today the husband and I went on an absolutely delightful 6.2 mile walk. The weather was stellar and the lake winked at us with sparkling cerulean eyes. The city was a vision on the horizon, a specter cloaked in a thin veil of fog. I love walking; there's no better way to fall in love with this city.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Chilly Walks
My ears are frozen! 2.4 miles walked tonight despite the dropping temperatures. I'd like to start jogging again, but I'm honestly kind of scared and embarassed to start back up. I've put on so much weight since I used to run regularly, and it's frankly pretty shameful to think of galloping my fat bones down a public street. Guess I'll just have to wait until the sun goes down. lol.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another Day Outdoors
Now that I've been walking more often, I need to get my caffeine intake and eating under better control. The eating has been better than it was a month ago, but I weighed myself this morning and nearly died of shock. I'm up more than 10lbs since the miscarriage and 40lbs over my lowest weight last summer. That's unacceptable...like WAY unacceptable. Plus I've been having headaches lately, and I think the caffeine and sugar intake is to blame. That'll be the next step.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Bliss
Today was like...a great day...no...an awesome day. Everything that's been wrong and been making me feel horrible since the loss just melted away with the last of the snow today.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
I walked to the beach and then headed back to my house. Every minute of those 3.7 miles felt like bliss. I felt born again. I felt healed. It's kind of a stupid song, but there's a line in "Jumper" that really fits here. The song asks the pretty simple question, "Can you put the past away?". After today, I feel like the answer is yes. I can't throw it away, and I can't forget it. But as the temperature warms up again and the light of the sun fights off the darkness, I think I'm ready to put it away. Fold it in a drawer and keep on walking.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Health Screening
Yesterday was the free health screening at my job. They do your blood pressure, a couple blood tests, and ask you a series of questions to assess your overall health. I've done it every year, and it's really nice that my job offers it. I'm all kinds of paranoid about everything, so any test that they can run is fine by me.
This year's test was a little depressing though because I really have allowed myself to fall out of so many of the healthy behaviors I developed in 2010 and 2011. The first blow to my self esteem was putting my weight on the entry sheet. I didn't want to lie, but as I wrote down the truth I just wanted to punch myself in the face. I could sit her and try to pretend that some of that weight was the fault of the pregnancy, but give me a freaking break. We know it was just me enjoying horrible food for months. One thing I'm definitely NOT going to do the second time around? Allow myself to splurge and eat everything I want the second I pee positive on that strip.
At least my blood pressure was low as usual, but the health questions were also totally painful to my ego. They asked questions about your diet, exercise routine, etc. Had I answered these questions in August of 2011, my results would have been pretty stellar. But now? I know that when I get my results in the mail I'm going to be crushed. So I guess the only solution is to fix myself and my habits back to what they were before the pregnancy and before the loss. This has gotten out of hand.
This year's test was a little depressing though because I really have allowed myself to fall out of so many of the healthy behaviors I developed in 2010 and 2011. The first blow to my self esteem was putting my weight on the entry sheet. I didn't want to lie, but as I wrote down the truth I just wanted to punch myself in the face. I could sit her and try to pretend that some of that weight was the fault of the pregnancy, but give me a freaking break. We know it was just me enjoying horrible food for months. One thing I'm definitely NOT going to do the second time around? Allow myself to splurge and eat everything I want the second I pee positive on that strip.
At least my blood pressure was low as usual, but the health questions were also totally painful to my ego. They asked questions about your diet, exercise routine, etc. Had I answered these questions in August of 2011, my results would have been pretty stellar. But now? I know that when I get my results in the mail I'm going to be crushed. So I guess the only solution is to fix myself and my habits back to what they were before the pregnancy and before the loss. This has gotten out of hand.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Walkin'
Today I walked 1.8 miles on my old nightly route with my sister, and yesterday I made my friend meet me at work for an afternoon walk. We got in 1.9 miles. I've been taking my vitamins and sticking to the vegetarian thing...so now it's just calories that I need to get in line. I'm feeling...back on track? Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Poop.
I was supposed to start calorie counting again today, but after working for ten hours, rushing the the post office right before it closed, and coming home to find out that my email had been freaking hacked...yeah, I needed some caloric therapy. The email hacking thing was the cherry on top of the poop sundae. Not only did it hack and send to my contacts, but it sent to literally every person I've ever emailed. That includes publishers (some of whom are still considering my work...probably not after being hacked. eff.), coworkers, ex-bosses, and people I don't even remember.
Even though I experienced a caloric swan dive later on in the night, at least I was good during the day despite temptations of various sorts. I ate veggies without dip at the staff meeting and drank diet soda rather than regular. I'd like to cut soda altogether, but I'm not there yet. I need to get my body back on track though, and as soon as possible. While I really don't think we'll get pregnant right away, we are technically trying now. I'm back up to how much I weighed in August of 2010 (which was like 40lbs above where I was in the spring of 2011). I'm not going to regret getting pregnant right away if I happen to be so lucky, but I do think it's important to attempt to get my body back under control while we start trying. The healthier I am, the easier the pregnancy will be when it eventually happens. And aside from that...my pants are way too tight...and these are my fat pants.
Even though I experienced a caloric swan dive later on in the night, at least I was good during the day despite temptations of various sorts. I ate veggies without dip at the staff meeting and drank diet soda rather than regular. I'd like to cut soda altogether, but I'm not there yet. I need to get my body back on track though, and as soon as possible. While I really don't think we'll get pregnant right away, we are technically trying now. I'm back up to how much I weighed in August of 2010 (which was like 40lbs above where I was in the spring of 2011). I'm not going to regret getting pregnant right away if I happen to be so lucky, but I do think it's important to attempt to get my body back under control while we start trying. The healthier I am, the easier the pregnancy will be when it eventually happens. And aside from that...my pants are way too tight...and these are my fat pants.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Two Things
Two things happened this evening...
First, I got really excited about the prospect of beginning the trying to conceive journey. I don't know why it just hit me all at once tonight, but I was sitting on the couch and thinking about buying pregnancy tests for the next cycle and I was all of a sudden overcome with a wave of euphoria. I get to become a mommy all over again. That prospect is scary, but it's also really really exciting. I'm filled with hope about the second time around, but mostly I'm just excited that I'm able to depart once again. This is the only time I've ever been happy to see my period.
Secondly, I reached my fill of cute freaking babies on facebook. Facebook becomes an uncomfortable place in your mid to late twenties I think. All of a sudden everyone is posting wedding photos, changing their statuses, posting pregnant belly photos, posting cute videos of their kid's first steps. And if you aren't where you want to be (in any respect), that can get to be a little much from time to time. My cousin is teaching her baby the word "yes" and there's a video. Yippy. My high school friends' kids all look super cute in knit caps. Awesome. I sound bitter, and I guess I am. The trick is to not be jealous, and to just close facebook for a little while and do something else. In time, I'll be one of those annoying people, too. I personally can't wait. But for now I just have to focus on me.
In other news, I'm still meat free and I haven't smoked in five days (which is great considering my post-loss relapse). I'm hoping that some warm weather tomorrow will give me some walking opportunities, but I got in 1.9 miles of walking downtown today. It felt good to get moving again; I've let this wallow in your own self pity crap go on for way too long.
First, I got really excited about the prospect of beginning the trying to conceive journey. I don't know why it just hit me all at once tonight, but I was sitting on the couch and thinking about buying pregnancy tests for the next cycle and I was all of a sudden overcome with a wave of euphoria. I get to become a mommy all over again. That prospect is scary, but it's also really really exciting. I'm filled with hope about the second time around, but mostly I'm just excited that I'm able to depart once again. This is the only time I've ever been happy to see my period.
Secondly, I reached my fill of cute freaking babies on facebook. Facebook becomes an uncomfortable place in your mid to late twenties I think. All of a sudden everyone is posting wedding photos, changing their statuses, posting pregnant belly photos, posting cute videos of their kid's first steps. And if you aren't where you want to be (in any respect), that can get to be a little much from time to time. My cousin is teaching her baby the word "yes" and there's a video. Yippy. My high school friends' kids all look super cute in knit caps. Awesome. I sound bitter, and I guess I am. The trick is to not be jealous, and to just close facebook for a little while and do something else. In time, I'll be one of those annoying people, too. I personally can't wait. But for now I just have to focus on me.
In other news, I'm still meat free and I haven't smoked in five days (which is great considering my post-loss relapse). I'm hoping that some warm weather tomorrow will give me some walking opportunities, but I got in 1.9 miles of walking downtown today. It felt good to get moving again; I've let this wallow in your own self pity crap go on for way too long.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Flashbacks
Don't get me wrong; I'm totally ecstatic that I'm cycling once again and ready to get back up on the old horse, but now I know why some women say it's hard to have their first period post miscarriage. Every time I...well...wipe...it's like a flashback to that bathroom in Vegas all over again. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing that bright red color, the sheer volume of blood, and knowing right then and there that it was over. Overall, my period is certainly a good thing. But it's gonna take a while to not associate blood with loss in my brain.
In good news, this vegetarian thing is working out really really well. I had morningstar chicken nuggets for dinner tonight, and they were totally edible. Earlier in the week I had nachos with morningstar fake ground beef. This was also totally fine to eat and cured my craving. It's been making me feel good that no creatures had to die to feed my fat butt, and I think I have the capacity to become really pretentious and condescending about this...but I'll attempt to stay accepting. lol.
Lastly, it's time to get back to my other blog as well. I've been neglecting it lately. Check it out here.
In good news, this vegetarian thing is working out really really well. I had morningstar chicken nuggets for dinner tonight, and they were totally edible. Earlier in the week I had nachos with morningstar fake ground beef. This was also totally fine to eat and cured my craving. It's been making me feel good that no creatures had to die to feed my fat butt, and I think I have the capacity to become really pretentious and condescending about this...but I'll attempt to stay accepting. lol.
Lastly, it's time to get back to my other blog as well. I've been neglecting it lately. Check it out here.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Sappy Sucker
It might not look it, what with my black wardrobe and emo glasses, but I am a sucker for a good heartwarming tale. That dolphin's tale movie? Yeah, I almost went to go see that by myself...on a weekend...night. I'm lame like that. One of my favorite chilling at home movies is Eight Below, so maybe it's just really a heartwarming animal thing I have. Whatever.
Last night my husband took me to go see Big Miracle at the local movie theater (after our vegetarian dinner!). You know, that's the movie with Drew Barrymore and that dude from The Office where they save the whales trapped underneath the Alaskan ice. Long story short, it was everything you thought it would be, pretty mediocre but also good for a few tears. That's all I was looking for.
But...and tread no further if you don't want SPOILERS...the movie was just not the type of movie that one should watch five weeks after a miscarriage. Why, you may ask? Because of the three whales--the mama, papa & baby--it's the baby who doesn't make it. And not only does the baby not make it and the adults do, but it's like every bit of dialogue surrounding the death of the baby whale could have been applied to the loss of our baby. Of course, I can't remember any of the lines now, but there was all this stuff about how the parents stayed with him as long as they could. How he wasn't strong enough or healthy enough to make it, but they tried to help him any way. Needless to say, I was bawling. Thankfully it was an empty theater so no one was like "what's with that crazy lady?"...except maybe my husband. lol.
In the end though, despite the freaky similarities to my life situation, it was a nice movie. In fact, the final shots are of both the parent whales swimming out to sea together. Since I (tmi) just got my first post-miscarriage period yesterday and that signals the start of the next step in the journey, it was nice to think of my husband and myself as swimming out to sea and freedom together. We stayed with our baby as long as we could, but in the end we know she couldn't come with us and we're still swimming towards a better tomorrow.
Last night my husband took me to go see Big Miracle at the local movie theater (after our vegetarian dinner!). You know, that's the movie with Drew Barrymore and that dude from The Office where they save the whales trapped underneath the Alaskan ice. Long story short, it was everything you thought it would be, pretty mediocre but also good for a few tears. That's all I was looking for.
But...and tread no further if you don't want SPOILERS...the movie was just not the type of movie that one should watch five weeks after a miscarriage. Why, you may ask? Because of the three whales--the mama, papa & baby--it's the baby who doesn't make it. And not only does the baby not make it and the adults do, but it's like every bit of dialogue surrounding the death of the baby whale could have been applied to the loss of our baby. Of course, I can't remember any of the lines now, but there was all this stuff about how the parents stayed with him as long as they could. How he wasn't strong enough or healthy enough to make it, but they tried to help him any way. Needless to say, I was bawling. Thankfully it was an empty theater so no one was like "what's with that crazy lady?"...except maybe my husband. lol.
In the end though, despite the freaky similarities to my life situation, it was a nice movie. In fact, the final shots are of both the parent whales swimming out to sea together. Since I (tmi) just got my first post-miscarriage period yesterday and that signals the start of the next step in the journey, it was nice to think of my husband and myself as swimming out to sea and freedom together. We stayed with our baby as long as we could, but in the end we know she couldn't come with us and we're still swimming towards a better tomorrow.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
A Note to Moms
At the risk of offending some of my friends who have said this to me in the past, there is one statement that mothers should really refrain from saying to childless women who aren't that way entirely by their own choice.
A number of times in my life I've had the mothers of children I'm pretty close with say in a mock baby voice (you know, where they attempt to mime what the baby's thinking?)..."Who's this person? I don't know them!" or "I don't know you!"
Look, it's meant to be cute and maybe it's true. Doesn't really matter. Mothers should know that, to their childless friends who wish they weren't childless, their children are thought of as honorary god children, neices, and nephews. When you act as though your child doesn't know us from the mailman, even when we've been around them like twenty times, it makes us feel so marginalized. You hear a cute statement highlighting your baby's lack of a memory...WE hear "ha ha ha ha. you don't have a baby and I do."
Don't know if that makes any sense, but I just thought I'd make a PSA. Moms...don't say this to your friends. It's never meant maliciously, but it makes us feel so unimportant and lacking maternal touch. Might be silly, but that's just how it feels.
A number of times in my life I've had the mothers of children I'm pretty close with say in a mock baby voice (you know, where they attempt to mime what the baby's thinking?)..."Who's this person? I don't know them!" or "I don't know you!"
Look, it's meant to be cute and maybe it's true. Doesn't really matter. Mothers should know that, to their childless friends who wish they weren't childless, their children are thought of as honorary god children, neices, and nephews. When you act as though your child doesn't know us from the mailman, even when we've been around them like twenty times, it makes us feel so marginalized. You hear a cute statement highlighting your baby's lack of a memory...WE hear "ha ha ha ha. you don't have a baby and I do."
Don't know if that makes any sense, but I just thought I'd make a PSA. Moms...don't say this to your friends. It's never meant maliciously, but it makes us feel so unimportant and lacking maternal touch. Might be silly, but that's just how it feels.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Feverish
Being sick makes me super vulnerable and emotional.
I caught a bug from my students (one of those feverish throat/sinus things) and slept for 14 hours last night. At the request of my boss, I went to the doctor today for a strep test (which I'm pretty sure will be negative).
Going to the doctor again was rough. My primary care physician's office is in the same building as one of my ob/gyn's offices, and I hadn't been in that building since the miscarriage. As I pulled into the parking lot, I started getting all choked up and upset. Being sick made me super emotional and vulnerable to the pain of the memory, and the thought that I'd have to inform my primary care physician of the loss didn't make things any easier.
When I told him, he looked at me like some kind of wounded animal. He calmly said, "Are you okay?", but answering yes was so difficult. I didn't want to cry in front of the guy, so I choked back tears and said yes, but I'm sure he now thinks I'm an emotional basket case...which I'm not. It just wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to talk about when I was all sick and fragile. Ugh. Sucks.
I need my period. I want my period. I feel so useless and lost at times. I'm a person who loves to have control, and right now I feel like I've lost all ability to control my situation and my body. I know I never really had control in the first place; a miscarriage reminds you of that pretty clearly, but I'd like at least the illusion of control. And I hate being sick. I'd like to feel healthy and happy and productive again. I guess it's just one of those days.
I caught a bug from my students (one of those feverish throat/sinus things) and slept for 14 hours last night. At the request of my boss, I went to the doctor today for a strep test (which I'm pretty sure will be negative).
Going to the doctor again was rough. My primary care physician's office is in the same building as one of my ob/gyn's offices, and I hadn't been in that building since the miscarriage. As I pulled into the parking lot, I started getting all choked up and upset. Being sick made me super emotional and vulnerable to the pain of the memory, and the thought that I'd have to inform my primary care physician of the loss didn't make things any easier.
When I told him, he looked at me like some kind of wounded animal. He calmly said, "Are you okay?", but answering yes was so difficult. I didn't want to cry in front of the guy, so I choked back tears and said yes, but I'm sure he now thinks I'm an emotional basket case...which I'm not. It just wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to talk about when I was all sick and fragile. Ugh. Sucks.
I need my period. I want my period. I feel so useless and lost at times. I'm a person who loves to have control, and right now I feel like I've lost all ability to control my situation and my body. I know I never really had control in the first place; a miscarriage reminds you of that pretty clearly, but I'd like at least the illusion of control. And I hate being sick. I'd like to feel healthy and happy and productive again. I guess it's just one of those days.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
What Women of Loss Want
I once saw this list of fifteen or so things that women who have experienced a loss want other people to know. Many of the things on the list were very true for me, but some didn't really apply, so it doesn't make much sense to share the list. But there was one thing on the list that is very very true. It went a little something like this...
I want you to know that I'm going to mention my loss...like not infrequently. And when I do, I don't want you to get all quiet or uncomfortable, and it doesn't need to be this moment where everyone looks at me like I'm broken. I had a miscarriage. We lost our baby. It happens. We're sad about it, but we're all going to be okay. At the end of the day, it's another moment in my life and to never talk about or reference it is to pretend like it's something shameful...which it isn't. So when I bring it up, it's okay to treat it like you would anything else I say. And it's okay for you to bring it up. You're part of my life and you went through it, too. We can talk about it. We need to talk about it. Sometimes we might even need to joke about it. I don't want to brush it under the rug.
I want you to know that I'm going to mention my loss...like not infrequently. And when I do, I don't want you to get all quiet or uncomfortable, and it doesn't need to be this moment where everyone looks at me like I'm broken. I had a miscarriage. We lost our baby. It happens. We're sad about it, but we're all going to be okay. At the end of the day, it's another moment in my life and to never talk about or reference it is to pretend like it's something shameful...which it isn't. So when I bring it up, it's okay to treat it like you would anything else I say. And it's okay for you to bring it up. You're part of my life and you went through it, too. We can talk about it. We need to talk about it. Sometimes we might even need to joke about it. I don't want to brush it under the rug.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Lifestyle Change?
I am doing better about being productive, useful and health...but I still have a long way to go. Since the miscarriage, my husband and I have been talking about becoming vegetarians. Not sure why this came up, but it seems like it might be an interesting road to travel. I hate the idea of eating dead flesh, and it's certainly not in line with my religious beliefs. So my plan is to go vegetarian on Monday. I'm hoping, indirectly, that this helps to get me back on the right track with my eating. I'd like to get back to calorie counting sooner rather than later.
So tomorrow is the last day of meat! woot!
So tomorrow is the last day of meat! woot!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Back to this Crazy Business
I was the WORST person when we were trying to conceive the first time around. I scrutinized literally every twitch of a muscle in my body; I was on webmd more than I was on my own email. I was that crazy (and wasteful) woman who took pregnancy tests like four days before her period was due and tracked every symptom in her iPhone. Wanna know the dates and times of every sexual experience I've had in the last ten months? Sadly, thanks to my terrifying personal shortcomings (crippling anxiety and a manic need to control), I could tell you.
It's all starting again, but at least I have more of a sense of humor about my own psychosis this time around. Am I going to be more relaxed about any of this? Heck no. Those who know me know that's not possible, and I hate when people give me advice like "just relax". Gee...why didn't I think of that? It's not possible. It wasn't possible when I was 7 and doing my math homework; it's certainly not going to be possible when I'm 28 and making a baby. But at least I can laugh about my neurosis, and that's something.
So anyway, it's back to Googling random phrases like "early pregnancy symptoms" on my iPhone at stop lights. It's back to routinely pushing against my chest to see if it's "sore". And it's back to keeping clear blue easy in business. Here's to hoping this round is a little more direct...and hopefully more fruitful. But at least until my aunt flo decides to visit it's not really at the top of my mind at all times.
You're welcome for the TMI, by the way.
It's all starting again, but at least I have more of a sense of humor about my own psychosis this time around. Am I going to be more relaxed about any of this? Heck no. Those who know me know that's not possible, and I hate when people give me advice like "just relax". Gee...why didn't I think of that? It's not possible. It wasn't possible when I was 7 and doing my math homework; it's certainly not going to be possible when I'm 28 and making a baby. But at least I can laugh about my neurosis, and that's something.
So anyway, it's back to Googling random phrases like "early pregnancy symptoms" on my iPhone at stop lights. It's back to routinely pushing against my chest to see if it's "sore". And it's back to keeping clear blue easy in business. Here's to hoping this round is a little more direct...and hopefully more fruitful. But at least until my aunt flo decides to visit it's not really at the top of my mind at all times.
You're welcome for the TMI, by the way.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Workaholic
I've been pretty crazy at work, so I haven't gotten as back into working out and cooking at home as I'd like. But at least I've been three days smoke free again! woot! And I really am feeling a lot more positive. So there's something.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Random Thought of the Day
You know what? Sometimes it feels like the whole pregnancy was all in my head. Like I just made it all up. I think that emotion's made even stronger because I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms when I was pregnant, and the loss was pretty swift and clean.
Also...it feels like a long, long time ago. I guess that's a good thing, but it's just...I don't know...weird...
In positive news, day 2 smoke free!
Also...it feels like a long, long time ago. I guess that's a good thing, but it's just...I don't know...weird...
In positive news, day 2 smoke free!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Happiness: 5 minutes or Less
It's 9pm and I haven't smoked a cigarette all day. Already, I can feel my mood improving. I have to wonder how much of my moodiness over the past week or so was miscarriage related and how much of it was cigarette related.
Any way, since it's been a tough journey so far and it's only just begun, I thought I'd share some of my favorite videos for when I need a good pick-me-up. After all, without cigarettes, something has to fill the void. Hope these bring a smile to your face...
#1: Bruno Mar's "Lazy Day"
I'm not a fan of most current popular music, but this is just...perfect. Try watching this without smiling. Just try.
#2: "Knife or Banana" by Onision
I first discovered this one on Tosh.0, but it's total bizarre lack of anything normal, linear, or tangible makes it perfectly fashioned to brighten (or at least confuse) a bad day.
#3: Mashups/Autotunes
I'm really a sucker for any good mashup or autotune, but these are three of my favorites. Proof that anything can be music? Yes. Proof that even screwed up things can be entertaining/funny? Also true. Proof that while the rest of the world might forget about a certain meme, I latch on to a couple and hold on? Yes, sir.
#4: Geico's Squealing Pig
Some people have told me they find these commercials to be a little annoying, but I think they're hilarious. Can't beat the original though.
If none of these were able to make your day even a little brighter, then I got nothing for ya! Hope this evening finds you well. It finds me hopeful, somewhat productive, and ready to get things moving.
Any way, since it's been a tough journey so far and it's only just begun, I thought I'd share some of my favorite videos for when I need a good pick-me-up. After all, without cigarettes, something has to fill the void. Hope these bring a smile to your face...
#1: Bruno Mar's "Lazy Day"
I'm not a fan of most current popular music, but this is just...perfect. Try watching this without smiling. Just try.
#2: "Knife or Banana" by Onision
I first discovered this one on Tosh.0, but it's total bizarre lack of anything normal, linear, or tangible makes it perfectly fashioned to brighten (or at least confuse) a bad day.
#3: Mashups/Autotunes
I'm really a sucker for any good mashup or autotune, but these are three of my favorites. Proof that anything can be music? Yes. Proof that even screwed up things can be entertaining/funny? Also true. Proof that while the rest of the world might forget about a certain meme, I latch on to a couple and hold on? Yes, sir.
#4: Geico's Squealing Pig
Some people have told me they find these commercials to be a little annoying, but I think they're hilarious. Can't beat the original though.
If none of these were able to make your day even a little brighter, then I got nothing for ya! Hope this evening finds you well. It finds me hopeful, somewhat productive, and ready to get things moving.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Baby Therapy
When I first walked into my friends' house to watch the super bowl tonight, I was immediately in defensive position. I had expected a few people watching the game, but I was not expecting three children under the age of four plus my friend who's visibly pregnant to be there. While I didn't have any problems hanging out with them, I was unprepared emotionally for the fertile bombardment.
But after I settled into the environment, I actually found the presence of this young life to be quiet rejuvenating. I love kids. Over the past few weeks, I have definitely had moments of doubt: doubt in my own ability as a mother, doubt in my desire to be a parent. But being around all those little hands and feet tonight reminded me that I don't have a doubt in the world. I want to be a mommy, and I'm more than ready to be a mommy. As my friends' daughter fell asleep on my chest, I thought about my journey. I thought about the cigarette I wasn't having because she was asleep on top of me. And I didn't care. None of it mattered. It didn't matter that I had to eat my pie left-handed or that I couldn't watch the game. All that mattered was her and giving her a soft, warm place to sleep.
I'm ready. I'm bruised, but I'm ready.
But after I settled into the environment, I actually found the presence of this young life to be quiet rejuvenating. I love kids. Over the past few weeks, I have definitely had moments of doubt: doubt in my own ability as a mother, doubt in my desire to be a parent. But being around all those little hands and feet tonight reminded me that I don't have a doubt in the world. I want to be a mommy, and I'm more than ready to be a mommy. As my friends' daughter fell asleep on my chest, I thought about my journey. I thought about the cigarette I wasn't having because she was asleep on top of me. And I didn't care. None of it mattered. It didn't matter that I had to eat my pie left-handed or that I couldn't watch the game. All that mattered was her and giving her a soft, warm place to sleep.
I'm ready. I'm bruised, but I'm ready.
Mind Makeover
I kind of feel like this whole experience has made me regress a little bit. I feel like I'm back to who I was in the summer of 2010. I'm not a fan of that person. She does little that's productive unless it's associated with her work. She's like a nonfunctional robot. She works, watches TV, smokes, sleeps, repeats. She doesn't exercise or count calories. She doesn't write or take in the sights. That person was more machine than man, and I have no interest in becoming that person again.
And yet...I have. But no more.
Tomorrow I go back to work a little bit more caught up with my work than I had been previously (thanks to more than 8 hours of work during my "weekend"). I'll take this (and the gorgeous weather) as a sign that it's time to rediscover my motivated, passionate, adventurous self. Time to quit smoking. Time to go for more walks and write more blogs. I need to regain some semblance of self-care or how will I ever be once again ready to be a mommy? I guess I just don't feel like I deserve it right now. I haven't done a thing to prove I'm worthy of it in nearly a month.
So tomorrow it's walking, going to the grocery store, and not smoking. These things must happen, and I believe that if I keep the end goal in mind...they will.
And yet...I have. But no more.
Tomorrow I go back to work a little bit more caught up with my work than I had been previously (thanks to more than 8 hours of work during my "weekend"). I'll take this (and the gorgeous weather) as a sign that it's time to rediscover my motivated, passionate, adventurous self. Time to quit smoking. Time to go for more walks and write more blogs. I need to regain some semblance of self-care or how will I ever be once again ready to be a mommy? I guess I just don't feel like I deserve it right now. I haven't done a thing to prove I'm worthy of it in nearly a month.
So tomorrow it's walking, going to the grocery store, and not smoking. These things must happen, and I believe that if I keep the end goal in mind...they will.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Reopening the Sacred Vessel
As many of you know, I kind of let my cigarette smoking habit slip back in to my life since the miscarriage. It seemed like such a good excuse, but my goal was always to go back to being smoke-free as soon as the doctor gave me the all clear.
So, long story short, I have not smoked all day. Despite thinking about smoking every ten to thirty minutes, it's almost 10pm and I'm going to head to bed without nicotine once again. I was smoke free from March 2011 until January 2012...almost a year...time to start over and keep working.
So, long story short, I have not smoked all day. Despite thinking about smoking every ten to thirty minutes, it's almost 10pm and I'm going to head to bed without nicotine once again. I was smoke free from March 2011 until January 2012...almost a year...time to start over and keep working.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The "All Clear"...Sort of...
So today was my two week check-up after my miscarriage. I was so busy at work all day that I didn't really get a chance to be excited, but as I drove to the office, I started to get all excited and jittery. For two weeks I've been living in this uncomfortable limbo. By the end, it wasn't even depression...it was just frustrated stagnation.
Well the news is that my uterus is looking good. I responded to this news by saying, "Thanks. I've been working on it." Uterine lining is healthy and thin; the twins (my new nickname for my ovaries) are a-okay. All good news!
I got a chance to ask my questions, and I had developed quite a list in my iPhone leading up to this appointment. My plan was to write down every answer and ask every question. But once she said I was fine? It was like most of those questions suddenly became unimportant. I didn't care if they could do more chromosomal testing or if the tests revealed normal pregnancy tissue. Some questions I just skipped over altogether. It didn't seem productive or even important to ask questions about the past, so I just skipped over those ones and got down to the nitty-gritty--the future.
So here's my dilemma, inquiring minds of internet, family, fellow future mommies, and friends. The doctor originally said to wait to start "trying" again until after I got my first period. This time, she repeated the same recommendation and followed up by saying there is still a chance I should get pregnant before that so it was probably a good idea to use protection. I asked her what the risk would be if I conceived before my first menstrual cycle. She paused and then said, "well...it would be more difficult to date the pregnancy since you wouldn't have a last menstrual period to date from". I followed up by asking if there were any dangers, and she said no. So...not sure what to do with that. Kind of not interested in going back to the days of...well...you know...protecting. I mean, seriously...protecting against what? So any thoughts or opinions are welcome.
But overall this couldn't have gone any better. We miss you, little precious baby, but we're glad that you went naturally and without ado. Can't wait to start making you a baby sister or brother!
Well the news is that my uterus is looking good. I responded to this news by saying, "Thanks. I've been working on it." Uterine lining is healthy and thin; the twins (my new nickname for my ovaries) are a-okay. All good news!
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| My list...or the beginning of it. |
So here's my dilemma, inquiring minds of internet, family, fellow future mommies, and friends. The doctor originally said to wait to start "trying" again until after I got my first period. This time, she repeated the same recommendation and followed up by saying there is still a chance I should get pregnant before that so it was probably a good idea to use protection. I asked her what the risk would be if I conceived before my first menstrual cycle. She paused and then said, "well...it would be more difficult to date the pregnancy since you wouldn't have a last menstrual period to date from". I followed up by asking if there were any dangers, and she said no. So...not sure what to do with that. Kind of not interested in going back to the days of...well...you know...protecting. I mean, seriously...protecting against what? So any thoughts or opinions are welcome.
But overall this couldn't have gone any better. We miss you, little precious baby, but we're glad that you went naturally and without ado. Can't wait to start making you a baby sister or brother!
Trust Your Intuition
When my first ultrasound moved my due date back a week (saying I was 6 weeks instead of 7 weeks), I knew that wasn't a good sign. The ultrasound technician told me it was pretty normal and not to worry; I was probably just off on my dates. But I track my cycle pretty consistently and I knew myself...I didn't count wrong.
At 8 weeks, 5 days (when I should have been 9 weeks, 5 days by my count), I was still measuring a week small....maybe even a little more than that. My doctor did some crazy and inaccurate math on the back of a referral sheet at that appointment and said it was nothing to worry about. I raised an eyebrow and shrugged my shoulders. Still felt like something wasn't right.
And then at 9 weeks, 5 days (10 weeks, 5 days by my count), I miscarried. Today, at my two week appointment, I asked if the smaller fetal size in both of the ultrasounds could have been a sign that something was awry and my doctor gave me a pretty confident "it definitely could have been". I wanted to start screaming and waving my hands in the office while screaming, "HELLLOOOOO!!!!".
So the lesson here? Trust your intuition.
At 8 weeks, 5 days (when I should have been 9 weeks, 5 days by my count), I was still measuring a week small....maybe even a little more than that. My doctor did some crazy and inaccurate math on the back of a referral sheet at that appointment and said it was nothing to worry about. I raised an eyebrow and shrugged my shoulders. Still felt like something wasn't right.
And then at 9 weeks, 5 days (10 weeks, 5 days by my count), I miscarried. Today, at my two week appointment, I asked if the smaller fetal size in both of the ultrasounds could have been a sign that something was awry and my doctor gave me a pretty confident "it definitely could have been". I wanted to start screaming and waving my hands in the office while screaming, "HELLLOOOOO!!!!".
So the lesson here? Trust your intuition.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Too Soon? Nahhhhh...lol.
I guess I always feel like you know a wound is healing, physical or mental, when you can make a joke about it.
Tonight I was sitting on the floor immersed in piles of grading and I asked my husband to bring a laptop up from the basement. It was like me seventy-fifth "honey, can you just..." of the night, and I am a frequent exploiter of his kindness. He responded with a jovial "[expletive deleted] you aren't pregnant anymore!" and we both laughed as I got off the floor and shuffled down the stairs, smiling.
Many people don't get our sense of humor, but the fact that he was able to joke about it shows that he's healing a lot more quickly than I feared he might. The fact that I laughed shows that I am, too. Despite the looming, tempestuous storm clouds of a busy week, this little moment made me feel good.
Tonight I was sitting on the floor immersed in piles of grading and I asked my husband to bring a laptop up from the basement. It was like me seventy-fifth "honey, can you just..." of the night, and I am a frequent exploiter of his kindness. He responded with a jovial "[expletive deleted] you aren't pregnant anymore!" and we both laughed as I got off the floor and shuffled down the stairs, smiling.
Many people don't get our sense of humor, but the fact that he was able to joke about it shows that he's healing a lot more quickly than I feared he might. The fact that I laughed shows that I am, too. Despite the looming, tempestuous storm clouds of a busy week, this little moment made me feel good.
Positive Thoughts
“Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true.”
--Stranger Than Fiction
Just some positive food for thought! Fingers crossed that tomorrow goes well!
--Stranger Than Fiction
Just some positive food for thought! Fingers crossed that tomorrow goes well!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Cleaning Therapy
Since our loss, the house has kind of fallen into a state of entropy. Like us, the house seemed disordered, unready to be put back into place. My suitcase sat idly next to the stairs...unpacked from our last, fateful trip. Dishes were undone. Laundry piled up.Today, I couldn't bring myself to grade. That weight of sadness felt slightly more languor-inducing this morning, but I was determined not to spend another Sunday glued to the tattered comfort of my couch. That suitcase was staring me down, and I was suddenly reminded of one thing over which I still had control--my space.
So I set to work. I attempted to unclog the bathtub; I rinsed the dust off of the bathroom ducks. I did a little laundry, and my husband washed the dishes. Bills were finally paid. I cleaned out my purse and organized my stuff for work.
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| My gothy, geeky office...on a good day. |
When I miscarried, I had already taken storage bins full of books over to my parents' house and prepared a few more for transport. In their place, the bookshelf was beginning to be adorned by baby books and stuffed animals that my husband and I had acquired over years of preparing to conceive, seven months of trying, and two months of pregnancy. I was moving other books and all of my jewelry into my bedroom.
After the miscarriage, everything just kind of froze in place for nearly two weeks. We were stepping over boxes to get into bed. The office/baby's room sat lonely and disheveled. Both my husband and I decided that we didn't want to undo all that we had done. We're both firmly resolved to continue our journey; the office will be a place for baby tears and diaper rash soon enough. So today I decided to continue to clean and prepare as I would have had nothing gone wrong in the first place. Well, almost the same. At least this time I could do most of the lifting.
I put books on the bookshelf in the bedroom; I hung some shelves in the bedroom to move some pictures around. I organized the photo albums. I cleaned off my dresser top to make way for my jewelry as it migrated from the office. Things aren't done being cleaned. Even when they are, there will still be one final, missing piece to the puzzle, but I'm confident that she or he will be here soon. I want to be ready when he or she arrives.
I'm not a big cleaner, but today cleaning was therapy. Thank you, Clorox Wipes, Drano and my beloved hammer drill!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Recovering
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| The canal by my house during a sunset walk |
Last night I took a few moments to look at the last ultrasound picture I have of my baby. It's still really amorphous and bean-like, but I didn't cry when I looked at my child. Instead, I just thought about her life and her beauty however short-lived it might have been. She brought a lot of happiness to our friends and family, and despite how it ended, I'm happy she was here. I smiled as I looked at that blurry image and thought of her heart beating strongly and solidly at 150 bpm. She was real, and I'm happy she brightened the winter darkness, if only for a brief moment in time. Even knowing how it would end, I'd do it all over again to have those 9 weeks and 5 days with her.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Random Thought
My jeans are too big for me now...it's supposed to be the other way around. lol. sigh.
Emotional Limbo
To quote my sister (who was making fun of herself one time on fb)... "I just have so many emotions!"
My mind is racing like it has never raced before. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the typical nature of grief, which is something I haven't really experienced this dramatically before. I have been luck enough to live 28 years with fairly limited exposure to grief, so in some ways this emotional tornado is a little new and a little scary for me.
One of the problems I've been juggling has been the conflicting emotions of defeat and hope.
In one moment, this whole situation seems so bleak. I feel like my journey is at an end in some ways, and that it ended in failure. As a result, I've been totally prone to self destruction. If I'm not a mom (and at the moment feel like I'm not even on the path towards that) then why not drink? smoke? overeat? I was so good about pushing myself to be a better me when it felt like there was a goal. But until I have that follow up appointment next week, I don't feel like I'm behind the wheel and therefore why even prepare for a journey that might be months away?
But in the next moment, I feel so pleased to be given the gift of knowing I am capable of conceiving. I am so excited to try again and go back to the doctor for the all-clear. In those moments I don't want to do anything wrong because I know that my body still needs to be a temple. Who knows? Maybe the doctor will give me the all-clear in 6 days and part of me really wants to keep myself strong and healthy for the second journey.
But these feelings constantly battle each other. I guess I'm just really looking forward to next Tuesday. Right now the future seems so cloudy, and that makes it hard to make any plans or care about what comes next. I'm a person who really needs to be working towards a goal and until I talk to my doctor, that is just really difficult to do. So for now, I'm going to be a little bad and a little self destructive. It may not be "healthy", but this emotional limbo isn't easy to manage or navigate within. My hope is that next week clears the windshield and allows the emotion of hope to prevail. Fingers crossed.
If nothing else, at least this interim period has given me a chance to really focus on work. I've been super productive because it's the only area of my life in which I feel like I have control, purpose and clarity. As a result, those piles of grading on my desk are quickly shrinking and I'm getting units planned out months in advance. So there's your rose-tinted thought of the day.
My mind is racing like it has never raced before. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the typical nature of grief, which is something I haven't really experienced this dramatically before. I have been luck enough to live 28 years with fairly limited exposure to grief, so in some ways this emotional tornado is a little new and a little scary for me.
One of the problems I've been juggling has been the conflicting emotions of defeat and hope.
In one moment, this whole situation seems so bleak. I feel like my journey is at an end in some ways, and that it ended in failure. As a result, I've been totally prone to self destruction. If I'm not a mom (and at the moment feel like I'm not even on the path towards that) then why not drink? smoke? overeat? I was so good about pushing myself to be a better me when it felt like there was a goal. But until I have that follow up appointment next week, I don't feel like I'm behind the wheel and therefore why even prepare for a journey that might be months away?
But in the next moment, I feel so pleased to be given the gift of knowing I am capable of conceiving. I am so excited to try again and go back to the doctor for the all-clear. In those moments I don't want to do anything wrong because I know that my body still needs to be a temple. Who knows? Maybe the doctor will give me the all-clear in 6 days and part of me really wants to keep myself strong and healthy for the second journey.
But these feelings constantly battle each other. I guess I'm just really looking forward to next Tuesday. Right now the future seems so cloudy, and that makes it hard to make any plans or care about what comes next. I'm a person who really needs to be working towards a goal and until I talk to my doctor, that is just really difficult to do. So for now, I'm going to be a little bad and a little self destructive. It may not be "healthy", but this emotional limbo isn't easy to manage or navigate within. My hope is that next week clears the windshield and allows the emotion of hope to prevail. Fingers crossed.
If nothing else, at least this interim period has given me a chance to really focus on work. I've been super productive because it's the only area of my life in which I feel like I have control, purpose and clarity. As a result, those piles of grading on my desk are quickly shrinking and I'm getting units planned out months in advance. So there's your rose-tinted thought of the day.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
More Non-Pregnant Behavior
Despite my constant interrogations of unsuspecting and underpaid waitresses over the past few months, most American restaurants do not serve unpasteurized cheese. But I, being a responsible and meticulous pregnant woman, was paranoid about this. I even called the restaurant after my birthday lunch to make sure I didn't need to force myself to vomit up my meal on the way home. For the record, I didn't. lol.Still, the one thing I knew might actually pose a threat was queso fondue with chorizo from El Tipico. Apparently Mexican cheeses are some of the only cheeses you'll find in America that are not pasteurized. That being said, I have no idea whether or not El Tipico uses pasteurized cheese, but once I peed on that stick in November, I knew it was no more gooey cheese and spicy meat for me. Better safe than sorry. Sad face...well, happy face for baby...but sad face because no more cheesy, Mexican food babies.
I guess I'm just having a "get it in while you can" attitude with the hopes that this intermission will be short-lived. Who knows, maybe that attitude will lead me to the tattoo parlor soon? I've been hankering to get "They're coming to get you, Barbara" tattooed next to my apocalypse leg piece. My obgyn loves that one, so maybe more ink will at least give her a giggle. Here's to focusing on the positive...even if it isn't always easy.
Last Night...
Fate is a sassy bitch. A couple of days after my miscarriage I received my monthly coupon text message from Target. I'm always looking for deals, so I opened it. And what was one of the offers that had never been there any other month? $3 off of maternity clothes. eff.
At first I just laughed at the cruel irony of the situation, but then I started thinking why not use it? It's not like I'm going to be childless forever? With that positive attitude, I headed to Target last night and casually flipped through the sale rack. My mindset was in a "hey, if I find something good..." place, and I tried to feign apathy the entire time...even though no one was watching but me.
Eventually, I found something definitely worth putting away for a better (and belly-er) day: a green 3/4 sleeve sweater with puckered maternity seems. It was on sale for $7. Subtract the $3 coupon from that, and you can't really pass up a $4 maternity sweater. Well, I guess you can...but I didn't.
As I purchased it, I was really proud of my stable mindsight and progressive attitude. But as I loaded the bags into the car, and we drove away from Target? The day just started to drain me all in one moment. I thought about the uncertainty of the $4 purchase. Who knows when I'll get pregnant again? Maybe I'll be wearing maternity clothes in July, and a sweater will have been a laughable purchase. Maybe I'll never get pregnant, and that sweater will just sit in my drawer: a sore on my memory. It was $4, but all of a sudden it felt like so much more than that. I felt like a freaking liar for buying it. I'm not pregnant, after all. What right do I have to buy maternity clothes?
In my frustration, I decided that I didn't care at all about my calories...not just yet. Not smoking yesterday...and today...was hard enough, so I allowed myself a little bit of wiggle room in the calorie department. I'm not as stable as I keep pretending to be. Not time to remove all of my crutches just yet.
At first I just laughed at the cruel irony of the situation, but then I started thinking why not use it? It's not like I'm going to be childless forever? With that positive attitude, I headed to Target last night and casually flipped through the sale rack. My mindset was in a "hey, if I find something good..." place, and I tried to feign apathy the entire time...even though no one was watching but me.
Eventually, I found something definitely worth putting away for a better (and belly-er) day: a green 3/4 sleeve sweater with puckered maternity seems. It was on sale for $7. Subtract the $3 coupon from that, and you can't really pass up a $4 maternity sweater. Well, I guess you can...but I didn't.
As I purchased it, I was really proud of my stable mindsight and progressive attitude. But as I loaded the bags into the car, and we drove away from Target? The day just started to drain me all in one moment. I thought about the uncertainty of the $4 purchase. Who knows when I'll get pregnant again? Maybe I'll be wearing maternity clothes in July, and a sweater will have been a laughable purchase. Maybe I'll never get pregnant, and that sweater will just sit in my drawer: a sore on my memory. It was $4, but all of a sudden it felt like so much more than that. I felt like a freaking liar for buying it. I'm not pregnant, after all. What right do I have to buy maternity clothes?
In my frustration, I decided that I didn't care at all about my calories...not just yet. Not smoking yesterday...and today...was hard enough, so I allowed myself a little bit of wiggle room in the calorie department. I'm not as stable as I keep pretending to be. Not time to remove all of my crutches just yet.
Monday, January 23, 2012
More Good Than Bad?
I almost feel guilty saying this, but today was a good day...alright, an okay day. But compared to the last week of awfulness, today was pretty nice.
First, I woke up early and got into work with plenty of time to get stuff done. Last week I was barely at work, and when I was, I could barely drag myself in by 8am. I kept myself super busy throughout the day today, so emotion didn't have a chance to dig its way into me. I hit up the grocery store after work, premade all of my lunches for the week, folded and put away laundry, and went to the gym. It's nice to feel a little productive for a change.
The gym was harder than I expected it to be, but I guess I've really been out of the game for like three months. I guess I was a little distracted with other things...sigh. I tried to jog on the treadmill with pretty painful results, but I think I'll be able to adjust pretty quickly if I keep going day after day. It might be advisable to ease into the jogging more slowly, however, especially until the doctor gives me the thumbs up.
My biggest joys of the day were my ability to stay away from cigarettes and the fact that I (almost) stopped bleeding! WOOT! I know it's probably TMI (so skip to the next paragraph if you want), but I didn't bleed at all until 8pm today. I was so confident that it had ended that I took off my pad and did a little happy dance for a return to normalcy. I was a little bummed when I started to spot at 8pm, but I'm not going to let it damper my mood. Fingers crossed for a blood-free day tomorrow. I know...I'm gross.
Also, I'm really happy that I was able to avoid smoking today. Even in a few short days, I could already feel nicotine reasserting its control over me. I just kept telling myself, "your baby wouldn't want that"...and today I regained my control.
Of course, today still had its "downs". The worst of the day was definitely when we had to share something "interesting" about ourselves in a meeting. Of course I was first to go. Even on a good day, I hate that whole something "interesting" routine. I find that there's no good answer. You say something you're proud of; you sound cocky. You say some random non sequitur, and everyone looks at you like you're out of mind. You say something too personal (like "i just had miscarriage last Tuesday"...jk...), and everyone gets all uncomfortable and can't look you in the eye. When they asked me, all I could think was "I just had a miscarriage...miscarriage...pregnancy...miscarriage". The rest of my mind was blank, and I grasped at the air for something to say to fill the silence (and also to keep from crying). I went with non sequitur and said "I like zombies". My boss probably thinks I'm an overgrown twelve year old. Head. Desk. Couldn't get that broken record "miscarriage" voice out of my head for the rest of the meeting.
But overall it's good to feel a little bit more normal, and keeping busy helps. I did well on my goals, too, so there's something to smile about.
Daily Goals Recap...
-Didn't smoke! woot!
-Walked/jogged 1.0 miles
-1,687 calories consumed
-Taking my vitamin right now
First, I woke up early and got into work with plenty of time to get stuff done. Last week I was barely at work, and when I was, I could barely drag myself in by 8am. I kept myself super busy throughout the day today, so emotion didn't have a chance to dig its way into me. I hit up the grocery store after work, premade all of my lunches for the week, folded and put away laundry, and went to the gym. It's nice to feel a little productive for a change.
The gym was harder than I expected it to be, but I guess I've really been out of the game for like three months. I guess I was a little distracted with other things...sigh. I tried to jog on the treadmill with pretty painful results, but I think I'll be able to adjust pretty quickly if I keep going day after day. It might be advisable to ease into the jogging more slowly, however, especially until the doctor gives me the thumbs up.
 |
| 19 minute mile? Pathetic. I was down to a 11-12 minute mile at the start of the summer. *grits teeth and growls* |
Also, I'm really happy that I was able to avoid smoking today. Even in a few short days, I could already feel nicotine reasserting its control over me. I just kept telling myself, "your baby wouldn't want that"...and today I regained my control.
Of course, today still had its "downs". The worst of the day was definitely when we had to share something "interesting" about ourselves in a meeting. Of course I was first to go. Even on a good day, I hate that whole something "interesting" routine. I find that there's no good answer. You say something you're proud of; you sound cocky. You say some random non sequitur, and everyone looks at you like you're out of mind. You say something too personal (like "i just had miscarriage last Tuesday"...jk...), and everyone gets all uncomfortable and can't look you in the eye. When they asked me, all I could think was "I just had a miscarriage...miscarriage...pregnancy...miscarriage". The rest of my mind was blank, and I grasped at the air for something to say to fill the silence (and also to keep from crying). I went with non sequitur and said "I like zombies". My boss probably thinks I'm an overgrown twelve year old. Head. Desk. Couldn't get that broken record "miscarriage" voice out of my head for the rest of the meeting.
But overall it's good to feel a little bit more normal, and keeping busy helps. I did well on my goals, too, so there's something to smile about.
Daily Goals Recap...
-Didn't smoke! woot!
-Walked/jogged 1.0 miles
-1,687 calories consumed
-Taking my vitamin right now
Sunday, January 22, 2012
A Second Journey means a Second Chance
I'm not going to beat myself up about the way I traveled the first journey. Sure, my road snacks weren't exactly the healthiest, and I could have stopped more frequently for some physical exercise. I could have cut the caffeine altogether rather than just cutting down. But when you look at it, I did a damn good job. I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. I took my vitamins (almost) every day. I did walk when I could, and I only had one caffeinated soda a day (which is pretty great when compared to my natural coca cola IV).
But when faced with the prospect of planning a second journey, I just want to do better. Now that I'm not so worried about the will I be able to conceive, I can focus a little more on the minutia that will help to improve my overall pregnancy health. I'd like to get back to my weight in May of 2011 and lower my chances of gestational diabetes. I just want to be a better me.
Back when I did my health blog in 2010-2011, Sunday used to be my day for reassessing the past week and setting goals for the coming seven days. Now that I've had almost a week to mourn and wallow in my (totally understandable) self-indulgence, I think I'm ready to start planning the itinerary. My follow up doctor's appointment isn't until a week from Tuesday, but I guess there's part of me that hopes that it will go really well and my doctor will push up my departure date for journey number two. Either way, I want to start packing my bags and preparing to head out into the world again.
So here are my goals for the coming week. This time I want to be more fastidious about my health, and eventually this will include more organic and whole food eating, but for now I need to start that process.
Goals for the coming week...
-Don't smoke. For pete's sake, why have I allowed this nasty habit to sneak back in during this vulnerable time?
-Walk at least 7 miles for the week (that gym membership is just draining my bank account for no reason)
-Count my calories and stay under 2,000 per day.
-Take my prenatal vitamins every day. Last time I got a little lazy about taking them during the "trying" period. My doctor says that taking them before you conceive decreases your chance for birth defects. Here's to being more fastidious about this the second time around.
Still emotionally numb, but hopefully forcing myself to look forward will soothe the pain of looking back.
But when faced with the prospect of planning a second journey, I just want to do better. Now that I'm not so worried about the will I be able to conceive, I can focus a little more on the minutia that will help to improve my overall pregnancy health. I'd like to get back to my weight in May of 2011 and lower my chances of gestational diabetes. I just want to be a better me.
Back when I did my health blog in 2010-2011, Sunday used to be my day for reassessing the past week and setting goals for the coming seven days. Now that I've had almost a week to mourn and wallow in my (totally understandable) self-indulgence, I think I'm ready to start planning the itinerary. My follow up doctor's appointment isn't until a week from Tuesday, but I guess there's part of me that hopes that it will go really well and my doctor will push up my departure date for journey number two. Either way, I want to start packing my bags and preparing to head out into the world again.
So here are my goals for the coming week. This time I want to be more fastidious about my health, and eventually this will include more organic and whole food eating, but for now I need to start that process.
Goals for the coming week...
-Don't smoke. For pete's sake, why have I allowed this nasty habit to sneak back in during this vulnerable time?
-Walk at least 7 miles for the week (that gym membership is just draining my bank account for no reason)
-Count my calories and stay under 2,000 per day.
-Take my prenatal vitamins every day. Last time I got a little lazy about taking them during the "trying" period. My doctor says that taking them before you conceive decreases your chance for birth defects. Here's to being more fastidious about this the second time around.
Still emotionally numb, but hopefully forcing myself to look forward will soothe the pain of looking back.
Today's Comfort...
Is brought to you by the letter "c" for cookies.
Every Christmas I bake cookies for my neighbors. Call me old school, but I think it's important to be kind and friendly with those who share your same physical space. Also, I've had enough loud parties that I always feel a need for an annual sucrose apology.
Anyway, in December I baked my cookies like usual, but I didn't get to partake in my favorite part of the process--licking the spoon and bowl afterwards. For all of those not well versed in the "joys" of pregnancy, you have to be super careful about eating raw eggs so that rules out cookie dough. I was so good while baking. I washed my hands like every few minutes and never put a bite of cookie dough in my mouth. I guess it didn't really matter in retrospect, but I'm still really glad that I took care of myself during the pregnancy...even if it was doomed from the beginning.
Since my miscarriage, I've been indulging in some of the things I was not allowed to have during my pregnancy, and today I baked chocolate chip cookies. When I was finished, I licked that bowl clean and when I was up tonight with crushing insomnia I had a bunch of cookies dipped into a tall glass of milk. Does it make things any better? No. Cookie dough can't replace my baby or fill the hole in me. But it can at least distract me for a while.
So today's comfort is cookies.
Every Christmas I bake cookies for my neighbors. Call me old school, but I think it's important to be kind and friendly with those who share your same physical space. Also, I've had enough loud parties that I always feel a need for an annual sucrose apology.
Anyway, in December I baked my cookies like usual, but I didn't get to partake in my favorite part of the process--licking the spoon and bowl afterwards. For all of those not well versed in the "joys" of pregnancy, you have to be super careful about eating raw eggs so that rules out cookie dough. I was so good while baking. I washed my hands like every few minutes and never put a bite of cookie dough in my mouth. I guess it didn't really matter in retrospect, but I'm still really glad that I took care of myself during the pregnancy...even if it was doomed from the beginning.Since my miscarriage, I've been indulging in some of the things I was not allowed to have during my pregnancy, and today I baked chocolate chip cookies. When I was finished, I licked that bowl clean and when I was up tonight with crushing insomnia I had a bunch of cookies dipped into a tall glass of milk. Does it make things any better? No. Cookie dough can't replace my baby or fill the hole in me. But it can at least distract me for a while.
So today's comfort is cookies.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Unpacking
I fold up my dreams and put them back into the drawers with my deepest hopes and desires. I put my luggage back in the closet, knowing that I can't even begin to pack again for another 6-8 weeks, or so my doctor says.
I have no emotions left, and every time I think about the first journey, I want to curl up in a ball and never leave the comfort of my house. I ended up in the wrong destination and I can't wash that away. I don't want to. People want to make me feel better but they can't. Frankly, I don't think I want to feel much better right now. I'm still unpacking.
I had all of these plans for my journey, sites I wanted to see. I wanted to take my baby to weddings and family gatherings in the fall. I made a Christmas quilt for him/her that I was planning on bringing out in November of 2012. Now when I do it will have no tiny shoulders to wrap around. 2012 was supposed to be the year of my perfect little peanut. Now it is stained and haunted by her memory, and I can't even get back in my car and start out on a second journey, a second attempt. I just have to sit here and stare at my empty luggage and wait.
I know I'm supposed to think that my loss was a good thing. "It wasn't met to be". But there's no comfort in those hackneyed words, at least not yet. Right now I'm just feeling like an empty vessel. A pitcher is meant to contain water and I am empty and wanting. I've been smoking ever since Tuesday, a habit I kicked in preparation for journey #1. I don't feel like I deserve to be healthy or well. I want my body to match my emotions.
I know it will heal, but right now I'm stuck in a depressed limbo between one journey and the next. The months seem so long and the miles to destination #2 seem so daunting and frightening. This time I expect flat tires and road blocks. I expect to be rerouted and sent back to the beginning. Maybe that's better, since it's obviously a very real part of the maternal journey. But it does take some of the joy out of planning the itinerary for the second time around.
I have no emotions left, and every time I think about the first journey, I want to curl up in a ball and never leave the comfort of my house. I ended up in the wrong destination and I can't wash that away. I don't want to. People want to make me feel better but they can't. Frankly, I don't think I want to feel much better right now. I'm still unpacking.
I had all of these plans for my journey, sites I wanted to see. I wanted to take my baby to weddings and family gatherings in the fall. I made a Christmas quilt for him/her that I was planning on bringing out in November of 2012. Now when I do it will have no tiny shoulders to wrap around. 2012 was supposed to be the year of my perfect little peanut. Now it is stained and haunted by her memory, and I can't even get back in my car and start out on a second journey, a second attempt. I just have to sit here and stare at my empty luggage and wait.
I know I'm supposed to think that my loss was a good thing. "It wasn't met to be". But there's no comfort in those hackneyed words, at least not yet. Right now I'm just feeling like an empty vessel. A pitcher is meant to contain water and I am empty and wanting. I've been smoking ever since Tuesday, a habit I kicked in preparation for journey #1. I don't feel like I deserve to be healthy or well. I want my body to match my emotions.
I know it will heal, but right now I'm stuck in a depressed limbo between one journey and the next. The months seem so long and the miles to destination #2 seem so daunting and frightening. This time I expect flat tires and road blocks. I expect to be rerouted and sent back to the beginning. Maybe that's better, since it's obviously a very real part of the maternal journey. But it does take some of the joy out of planning the itinerary for the second time around.
Destination #1
Destination #1 should have been the maternity ward at the local hospital on August 17th, 2012. Instead, Destination #1 was a Las Vegas ER at 4am on January 16th, 2012. The insensitive staff made jokes about never having seen a positive pregnancy test before. They asked which hotel we were staying at and if we were having a good time. I shot my husband a "not worth it" look as he was about to throttle the staff. Our nurse in the ER congratulated me on my pregnancy. Are you kidding me? At this point I had cramps and heavier bleeding. I knew this was the end and I just wanted to be home, not 28 hours away in the desert of sin city.
They wouldn't allow my husband in the ultrasound room, which has to be illegal. And while the woman was conducting the ultrasound she wouldn't speak to me or make eye contact. I know it's not her job to tell me, but laying there and watching her face in the hopes of catching some sort of sign was even worse than just knowing. She pulled out the transvaginal wand and it was saturated with blood. I wanted to die.
The ER doctor gave us the news. Thankfully, he was an actual human being unlike his colleagues. The prognosis? The baby was still there but there was no heartbeat and my pregnancy hormone was about 10% of what it should have been at almost 10 weeks. That meant miscarriage...and it was only a matter of time before I passed the "tissue".
Thankfully, my body held out until we were back in the windy city. A trip to the obgyn the next day was only supposed to be to confirm the ER's findings. Instead, it ended up being my baby's final resting place. The destination, if you will. When the doctor told me to undress for the examination I began to and instantly miscarried right into my hand. Blood splattered on the white tile of the examination room at the end of the hallway. I held the sac with my dead baby in my right hand and, shaking, I set it on the counter. This was the end. This was truly the end.
They wouldn't allow my husband in the ultrasound room, which has to be illegal. And while the woman was conducting the ultrasound she wouldn't speak to me or make eye contact. I know it's not her job to tell me, but laying there and watching her face in the hopes of catching some sort of sign was even worse than just knowing. She pulled out the transvaginal wand and it was saturated with blood. I wanted to die.
The ER doctor gave us the news. Thankfully, he was an actual human being unlike his colleagues. The prognosis? The baby was still there but there was no heartbeat and my pregnancy hormone was about 10% of what it should have been at almost 10 weeks. That meant miscarriage...and it was only a matter of time before I passed the "tissue".
Thankfully, my body held out until we were back in the windy city. A trip to the obgyn the next day was only supposed to be to confirm the ER's findings. Instead, it ended up being my baby's final resting place. The destination, if you will. When the doctor told me to undress for the examination I began to and instantly miscarried right into my hand. Blood splattered on the white tile of the examination room at the end of the hallway. I held the sac with my dead baby in my right hand and, shaking, I set it on the counter. This was the end. This was truly the end.
The First Journey Began...
In May of 2011. After almost a year of hard work to lose weight, quit smoking, quit drinking and get my life back into orbit, my husband and I began our journey in, well, the usual way. I had been counting my cycle for almost a year at that point, and I even stopped in to my obgyn for a little preconception check up. He gave me the all-clear, some advice and his blessing and away we went.
I've lived a pretty blessed life, so it makes sense that I naively thought this would be an easy trip. No flat tires, no detours, no traffic jams. I thoroughly expected to be already refusing champagne at my friend's wedding in June 2011.
But the first cycle came and went and no baby. I sighed. I cried. I was impatient and frustrated with my body for being less than perfect. But I kept at it. July? No dice. August? Sigh. No. September? Still empty. October? Drank and smoked at the Halloween party. No reason not to, right. Sigh.
In my brain, I knew that five months was the average and that there was no cause for concern. Many of my friends and family have had to wait a lot longer than that for their blessed miracle. After the fifth month I started to relax a little. This wasn't going to be a short trip, so I might as well enjoy the scenery. I still counted my cycle and timed our trying, but I was a little less frustrated by negative pregnancy tests. The thoughts of my emptiness did not consume my every waking moment by October and November.
And then...in November...that blessed positive pregnancy test! I was sitting in the bathtub, casually glancing at the plastic stick on the sink. I figured it'd be a negative like usual, so I was truly a little disengaged. But then I turned the stick to meet my gaze and...that word. That beautiful word. And no, this time there was no annoying "not" stamped in front of it. I told my husband and we both squealed with glee. We were going to be parents!
At Christmas we told family and friends. Sure, we were only 6-7 weeks pregnant then, but so what? We saw our baby's heartbeat on ultrasound at 6 weeks, and the chances of miscarrying were 5% at that point, or so the internet told us. The husband and I are both poker players and we kept saying "I'd play 95% odds"...and so we did.
But at 8 weeks and 4 days I began to spot. Just a little at first, so I freaked out and called my obgyn. They had me in and did an ultrasound, which ended on a high note. Baby was there, fine and showing a heartbeat of around 150 bpm. Big sigh of relief. Even though the spotting continued, it wasn't too bad. And when it got a little pinker at 9 weeks, I called the doctor's office and was once again told not to worry. I'm a paranoid person, so I told that little voice in the back of my brain to shove it. I went on vacation and tried to enjoy myself.
I've lived a pretty blessed life, so it makes sense that I naively thought this would be an easy trip. No flat tires, no detours, no traffic jams. I thoroughly expected to be already refusing champagne at my friend's wedding in June 2011.
But the first cycle came and went and no baby. I sighed. I cried. I was impatient and frustrated with my body for being less than perfect. But I kept at it. July? No dice. August? Sigh. No. September? Still empty. October? Drank and smoked at the Halloween party. No reason not to, right. Sigh.
In my brain, I knew that five months was the average and that there was no cause for concern. Many of my friends and family have had to wait a lot longer than that for their blessed miracle. After the fifth month I started to relax a little. This wasn't going to be a short trip, so I might as well enjoy the scenery. I still counted my cycle and timed our trying, but I was a little less frustrated by negative pregnancy tests. The thoughts of my emptiness did not consume my every waking moment by October and November.
And then...in November...that blessed positive pregnancy test! I was sitting in the bathtub, casually glancing at the plastic stick on the sink. I figured it'd be a negative like usual, so I was truly a little disengaged. But then I turned the stick to meet my gaze and...that word. That beautiful word. And no, this time there was no annoying "not" stamped in front of it. I told my husband and we both squealed with glee. We were going to be parents!
At Christmas we told family and friends. Sure, we were only 6-7 weeks pregnant then, but so what? We saw our baby's heartbeat on ultrasound at 6 weeks, and the chances of miscarrying were 5% at that point, or so the internet told us. The husband and I are both poker players and we kept saying "I'd play 95% odds"...and so we did.
But at 8 weeks and 4 days I began to spot. Just a little at first, so I freaked out and called my obgyn. They had me in and did an ultrasound, which ended on a high note. Baby was there, fine and showing a heartbeat of around 150 bpm. Big sigh of relief. Even though the spotting continued, it wasn't too bad. And when it got a little pinker at 9 weeks, I called the doctor's office and was once again told not to worry. I'm a paranoid person, so I told that little voice in the back of my brain to shove it. I went on vacation and tried to enjoy myself.
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