Emotional Limbo

To quote my sister (who was making fun of herself one time on fb)... "I just have so many emotions!"

My mind is racing like it has never raced before. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the typical nature of grief, which is something I haven't really experienced this dramatically before. I have been luck enough to live 28 years with fairly limited exposure to grief, so in some ways this emotional tornado is a little new and a little scary for me.

One of the problems I've been juggling has been the conflicting emotions of defeat and hope.

In one moment, this whole situation seems so bleak. I feel like my journey is at an end in some ways, and that it ended in failure. As a result, I've been totally prone to self destruction. If I'm not a mom (and at the moment feel like I'm not even on the path towards that) then why not drink? smoke? overeat? I was so good about pushing myself to be a better me when it felt like there was a goal. But until I have that follow up appointment next week, I don't feel like I'm behind the wheel and therefore why even prepare for a journey that might be months away?

But in the next moment, I feel so pleased to be given the gift of knowing I am capable of conceiving. I am so excited to try again and go back to the doctor for the all-clear. In those moments I don't want to do anything wrong because I know that my body still needs to be a temple. Who knows? Maybe the doctor will give me the all-clear in 6 days and part of me really wants to keep myself strong and healthy for the second journey.

But these feelings constantly battle each other. I guess I'm just really looking forward to next Tuesday. Right now the future seems so cloudy, and that makes it hard to make any plans or care about what comes next. I'm a person who really needs to be working towards a goal and until I talk to my doctor, that is just really difficult to do. So for now, I'm going to be a little bad and a little self destructive. It may not be "healthy", but this emotional limbo isn't easy to manage or navigate within. My hope is that next week clears the windshield and allows the emotion of hope to prevail. Fingers crossed.

If nothing else, at least this interim period has given me a chance to really focus on work. I've been super productive because it's the only area of my life in which I feel like I have control, purpose and clarity. As a result, those piles of grading on my desk are quickly shrinking and I'm getting units planned out months in advance. So there's your rose-tinted thought of the day.