At the risk of offending some of my friends who have said this to me in the past, there is one statement that mothers should really refrain from saying to childless women who aren't that way entirely by their own choice.
A number of times in my life I've had the mothers of children I'm pretty close with say in a mock baby voice (you know, where they attempt to mime what the baby's thinking?)..."Who's this person? I don't know them!" or "I don't know you!"
Look, it's meant to be cute and maybe it's true. Doesn't really matter. Mothers should know that, to their childless friends who wish they weren't childless, their children are thought of as honorary god children, neices, and nephews. When you act as though your child doesn't know us from the mailman, even when we've been around them like twenty times, it makes us feel so marginalized. You hear a cute statement highlighting your baby's lack of a memory...WE hear "ha ha ha ha. you don't have a baby and I do."
Don't know if that makes any sense, but I just thought I'd make a PSA. Moms...don't say this to your friends. It's never meant maliciously, but it makes us feel so unimportant and lacking maternal touch. Might be silly, but that's just how it feels.
Ya know I read this and was a little confused. I even went back to read this and wonder why this would be a bother? I mean I get that your feelings surrounding babies are at an emotional high, but I think this instance is a little far fetch. I don't see how pretending that a baby doesn't remember you is linked to "you don't have a baby".
ReplyDeleteI mean I get it. When I was single, seeing a quick kiss shared between friends who were married or dating was like a dagger thru my heart. However, no matter how much it sucked being around couples, to be mad at them for acting as a couple is unfair. Now, if they were full out making out and saying comments like "Steph, I can't wait til you have the joy of finding your one true love." Then yes... they deserve to be talked to(and also smacked).
You cant stop moms from being moms, just like you can't stop couples from being couples. I don't want to seem insensitive but you can't let everything about babies upset you.
It's more like them saying "i don't know this person" makes it seem like you aren't an important part of the kid's life. When that's true and you aren't that close to the person at all, then it's fine. When it happens with people or family that you are close to, it just feels a little dismissive. I know it's not meant that way at all though. To be honest, I kind of felt that way before all of this. It's not a big issue and maybe it reads more dramatic here than I mean it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I know you're just being your direct self (which is why I love and respect you), but right now everything with babies sort of DOES bother me a little. I know it's irrational and it's no one's fault and no one should change their behavior in any way what-so-ever. It's just something I'm dealing with and something that I need to share here because it's not really necessary or appropriate to share it in real life.
The loss associated with my miscarriage, while totally manageable, is pretty awful. I don't let it infiltrate every minute of my waking life and I certainly don't show that it hurts to everyone all of the time, but my baby died and that is going to make it pretty hard to celebrate or sympathize with motherhood for a while. By the same token, I would expect that if someone dealing with years of infertility were to read this blog they'd be disgusted. At the end of the day, I guess we just all have our own suffering. I guess I just sort of use this blog to vent about all the things about this situation that aren't appropriate to scream at the top of my lungs in public. lol.
I get it! hurt is hurt no matter what it is and you should be able to vent. I just know sometimes when I get down, everything seems so bigger than usual. It helps me to have people to be like "Steph...calm the f--- down." While reality checks don't remove the big issues but it sometimes clear away the minor stuff that way we can focus on the big issues. So consider this as my unsolicited attempt of a reality check :P
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