So it's day 31 and still no period. But I've wasted like $15 on tests to tell me that I'm not pregnant over the last week...sigh...so I'm still in purgatory.
I disclose all this information because I'm on vacation from work for 11 days starting today. I'd like to go on a fun vacation, perhaps even back to Vegas...hopefully to do it RIGHT this time. The thing is, I need to know what "state" I'm in before I make plans or get in my car and put the pedal to the metal. Okay, I guess I don't need to know, but I would certainly like to know.
I guess I'm just frustrated that my body isn't really back to normal; a 28 day cycle this month and regular PMS symptoms would have been a really sweet sign. And it irritates me that I'm still sad some times. And I can't tell whether my horrible eating is just a coping mechanism or if I'm using my sadness and stress as excuses to eat badly. Clearly a lot of both of those reasons, but still...
Where are you going on vacation this spring? Hopefully in a couple of days I'll be sipping Cabernet Franc on the Niagara peninsula. Or scheduling doctor's appointments. Or not being a fat bum on my couch.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Not "Well"
So today I got my wellness screening results in the mail from the tests we did at work a few weeks ago. Needless to say, it wasn't very uplifting. My glucose level was like one point over the "safe" zone. It's probably not a big deal, but what the heck? I totally had all of this stuff under control at this time last year. Man, what a difference a year can make. 30-40 lbs of difference. Ugh. Having a high glucose level is no good for making OR carrying a baby, so I guess I'm going to have to stop stealing my husband's regular sodas.
Secondly, my platelet level was also slightly elevated. Investigating why that might be, I found that it's something that often happens in pregnant woman. Awesome. The last thing I needed on that report was a reminder of what I used to be but no longer am. I want to think that my body has forgotten and no longer still wears the vestigial vestments of motherhood, but alas I guess I am wrong.
My attitude needs a makeover. I was so excited, so ready, for this the first time around. Now I'm all negativity and rain clouds. I guess I'm going to go for a walk to the grocery store. Report card comments+bad health screening results+negative pregnancy test this morning= in need of sunshine and warmth.
Secondly, my platelet level was also slightly elevated. Investigating why that might be, I found that it's something that often happens in pregnant woman. Awesome. The last thing I needed on that report was a reminder of what I used to be but no longer am. I want to think that my body has forgotten and no longer still wears the vestigial vestments of motherhood, but alas I guess I am wrong.
My attitude needs a makeover. I was so excited, so ready, for this the first time around. Now I'm all negativity and rain clouds. I guess I'm going to go for a walk to the grocery store. Report card comments+bad health screening results+negative pregnancy test this morning= in need of sunshine and warmth.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Cinematherapy
Last night I was feeling a little down, so I headed to the local movie theater for some cinematherapy. I don't usually get to watch midnight movies on Thursday nights, but due to a day off I decided to check one out. My flick pick was Dan Who Lives At Home, so I shuffled into the nearly-empty movie theater with my sour punch straws, medium coke, and small popcorn. The movie was really enjoyable, and it was the perfect therapy for a bummed out brain. I appreciated how uplifting and affirming it was without being hackneyed or lame. It had something pretty honest and realistic to say about the human experience, but really it was just a simple, character-driven story, which is my favorite type of movie.
As I left the theater though, I was confronted with these lovely movie posters. Okay, obviously everything about pregnancy makes me jealous and cynical right now, but even if I'd never had a miscarriage, I don't think I'd have any desire to see this movie. These chick-flicks that insult female intelligence and wheedle us down to the lowest common denominator are not my favorites. Guys versions of how we think. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I won't look like Cameron Diaz when I get pregnant. lol. It just looks a little silly, so I'm not interested. But then again, isn't that like every single movie that comes out these days? It's not often that I actually get the urge to head to the movie theatre nowadays. But you just watch, I'll be eating my words in like four months when I'm pregnant and I'm all like "I wanna go see the stupid pregnant lady movie". lol.
Thursday was a pretty good day all in all. I didn't eat well, unless you consider pizza in the Little Caesars parking lot to be a well-balanced meal, but I did get some walking in on a very windy and foggy night. I guess we've been a little spoiled with 75 degree days. It's still March, after all. My total walking for the day was 3.3 miles which is pretty decent, so I'm feeling pretty good. Hopefully the weather will stay nice, and I'll get to walk this much consistently going forward.
As I left the theater though, I was confronted with these lovely movie posters. Okay, obviously everything about pregnancy makes me jealous and cynical right now, but even if I'd never had a miscarriage, I don't think I'd have any desire to see this movie. These chick-flicks that insult female intelligence and wheedle us down to the lowest common denominator are not my favorites. Guys versions of how we think. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I won't look like Cameron Diaz when I get pregnant. lol. It just looks a little silly, so I'm not interested. But then again, isn't that like every single movie that comes out these days? It's not often that I actually get the urge to head to the movie theatre nowadays. But you just watch, I'll be eating my words in like four months when I'm pregnant and I'm all like "I wanna go see the stupid pregnant lady movie". lol.
Thursday was a pretty good day all in all. I didn't eat well, unless you consider pizza in the Little Caesars parking lot to be a well-balanced meal, but I did get some walking in on a very windy and foggy night. I guess we've been a little spoiled with 75 degree days. It's still March, after all. My total walking for the day was 3.3 miles which is pretty decent, so I'm feeling pretty good. Hopefully the weather will stay nice, and I'll get to walk this much consistently going forward.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Negatives of Trying to Conceive
When you tell people you are "trying to conceive", people often think it must be an exciting time in your life. Of course, it is, but not without some darker sides. They assume that it must be filled with romantic rendezvouses and excited AM pregnancy tests (that of course end in squeels and hugs). What they don't picture is a very frustrated woman sitting on her couch and wishing she could have a few glasses of wine after a stressful week. But oh no...she can't.
Why? She's 28 and gainfully employed. She doesn't have work tomorrow. Oh, right...because there's this not so exciting period while trying to conceive between the trying and the testing--a sort of procreational purgatory. During this time, between days 20 and 28, you might be pregnant and therefore can't do anything fun whatsoever. But then you get to day 28 and find out that you weren't pregnant at all, and you could have easily had that bottle of wine four days prior. There in lies the rub.
In the end, I suppose that...sigh...it's all worth it. lol. Of course it is. I certainly would surrender ever drinking a drop of Cab Sav again if it meant I could be preggers right now, but the fussy 18 year old in me wants to stomp my feet and go, "It's not fair!". lol.
In other news...today the husband and I went on an absolutely delightful 6.2 mile walk. The weather was stellar and the lake winked at us with sparkling cerulean eyes. The city was a vision on the horizon, a specter cloaked in a thin veil of fog. I love walking; there's no better way to fall in love with this city.
Why? She's 28 and gainfully employed. She doesn't have work tomorrow. Oh, right...because there's this not so exciting period while trying to conceive between the trying and the testing--a sort of procreational purgatory. During this time, between days 20 and 28, you might be pregnant and therefore can't do anything fun whatsoever. But then you get to day 28 and find out that you weren't pregnant at all, and you could have easily had that bottle of wine four days prior. There in lies the rub.
In the end, I suppose that...sigh...it's all worth it. lol. Of course it is. I certainly would surrender ever drinking a drop of Cab Sav again if it meant I could be preggers right now, but the fussy 18 year old in me wants to stomp my feet and go, "It's not fair!". lol.
In other news...today the husband and I went on an absolutely delightful 6.2 mile walk. The weather was stellar and the lake winked at us with sparkling cerulean eyes. The city was a vision on the horizon, a specter cloaked in a thin veil of fog. I love walking; there's no better way to fall in love with this city.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Chilly Walks
My ears are frozen! 2.4 miles walked tonight despite the dropping temperatures. I'd like to start jogging again, but I'm honestly kind of scared and embarassed to start back up. I've put on so much weight since I used to run regularly, and it's frankly pretty shameful to think of galloping my fat bones down a public street. Guess I'll just have to wait until the sun goes down. lol.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another Day Outdoors
Now that I've been walking more often, I need to get my caffeine intake and eating under better control. The eating has been better than it was a month ago, but I weighed myself this morning and nearly died of shock. I'm up more than 10lbs since the miscarriage and 40lbs over my lowest weight last summer. That's unacceptable...like WAY unacceptable. Plus I've been having headaches lately, and I think the caffeine and sugar intake is to blame. That'll be the next step.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Bliss
Today was like...a great day...no...an awesome day. Everything that's been wrong and been making me feel horrible since the loss just melted away with the last of the snow today.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
I walked to the beach and then headed back to my house. Every minute of those 3.7 miles felt like bliss. I felt born again. I felt healed. It's kind of a stupid song, but there's a line in "Jumper" that really fits here. The song asks the pretty simple question, "Can you put the past away?". After today, I feel like the answer is yes. I can't throw it away, and I can't forget it. But as the temperature warms up again and the light of the sun fights off the darkness, I think I'm ready to put it away. Fold it in a drawer and keep on walking.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
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