Recovering

The canal by my house during a sunset walk

I think I'm on my way now, for real. I'm still engaging in self destructive behaviors like smoking and drinking a bunch of caffeine, but my eating has improved for sure, and I went for a walk both today and yesterday. I'm still reminded of our loss in little moments: my boss asking how I'm doing, a sympathy card from my uncle, a friend planning to visit next summer. Overall though, I think I'm back on a more stable plane. A few days ago little moments would derail me for hours. Now they make me sigh and tear up up for a moment, but they don't take me entirely off track. My rebound time is more reasonable.

Last night I took a few moments to look at the last ultrasound picture I have of my baby. It's still really amorphous and bean-like, but I didn't cry when I looked at my child. Instead, I just thought about her life and her beauty however short-lived it might have been. She brought a lot of happiness to our friends and family, and despite how it ended, I'm happy she was here. I smiled as I looked at that blurry image and thought of her heart beating strongly and solidly at 150 bpm. She was real, and I'm happy she brightened the winter darkness, if only for a brief moment in time. Even knowing how it would end, I'd do it all over again to have those 9 weeks and 5 days with her.