Feverish

Being sick makes me super vulnerable and emotional.

I caught a bug from my students (one of those feverish throat/sinus things) and slept for 14 hours last night. At the request of my boss, I went to the doctor today for a strep test (which I'm pretty sure will be negative).

Going to the doctor again was rough. My primary care physician's office is in the same building as one of my ob/gyn's offices, and I hadn't been in that building since the miscarriage. As I pulled into the parking lot, I started getting all choked up and upset. Being sick made me super emotional and vulnerable to the pain of the memory, and the thought that I'd have to inform my primary care physician of the loss didn't make things any easier.

When I told him, he looked at me like some kind of wounded animal. He calmly said, "Are you okay?", but answering yes was so difficult. I didn't want to cry in front of the guy, so I choked back tears and said yes, but I'm sure he now thinks I'm an emotional basket case...which I'm not. It just wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to talk about when I was all sick and fragile. Ugh. Sucks.

I need my period. I want my period. I feel so useless and lost at times. I'm a person who loves to have control, and right now I feel like I've lost all ability to control my situation and my body. I know I never really had control in the first place; a miscarriage reminds you of that pretty clearly, but I'd like at least the illusion of control. And I hate being sick. I'd like to feel healthy and happy and productive again. I guess it's just one of those days.