So it's day 31 and still no period. But I've wasted like $15 on tests to tell me that I'm not pregnant over the last week...sigh...so I'm still in purgatory.
I disclose all this information because I'm on vacation from work for 11 days starting today. I'd like to go on a fun vacation, perhaps even back to Vegas...hopefully to do it RIGHT this time. The thing is, I need to know what "state" I'm in before I make plans or get in my car and put the pedal to the metal. Okay, I guess I don't need to know, but I would certainly like to know.
I guess I'm just frustrated that my body isn't really back to normal; a 28 day cycle this month and regular PMS symptoms would have been a really sweet sign. And it irritates me that I'm still sad some times. And I can't tell whether my horrible eating is just a coping mechanism or if I'm using my sadness and stress as excuses to eat badly. Clearly a lot of both of those reasons, but still...
Where are you going on vacation this spring? Hopefully in a couple of days I'll be sipping Cabernet Franc on the Niagara peninsula. Or scheduling doctor's appointments. Or not being a fat bum on my couch.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Not "Well"
So today I got my wellness screening results in the mail from the tests we did at work a few weeks ago. Needless to say, it wasn't very uplifting. My glucose level was like one point over the "safe" zone. It's probably not a big deal, but what the heck? I totally had all of this stuff under control at this time last year. Man, what a difference a year can make. 30-40 lbs of difference. Ugh. Having a high glucose level is no good for making OR carrying a baby, so I guess I'm going to have to stop stealing my husband's regular sodas.
Secondly, my platelet level was also slightly elevated. Investigating why that might be, I found that it's something that often happens in pregnant woman. Awesome. The last thing I needed on that report was a reminder of what I used to be but no longer am. I want to think that my body has forgotten and no longer still wears the vestigial vestments of motherhood, but alas I guess I am wrong.
My attitude needs a makeover. I was so excited, so ready, for this the first time around. Now I'm all negativity and rain clouds. I guess I'm going to go for a walk to the grocery store. Report card comments+bad health screening results+negative pregnancy test this morning= in need of sunshine and warmth.
Secondly, my platelet level was also slightly elevated. Investigating why that might be, I found that it's something that often happens in pregnant woman. Awesome. The last thing I needed on that report was a reminder of what I used to be but no longer am. I want to think that my body has forgotten and no longer still wears the vestigial vestments of motherhood, but alas I guess I am wrong.
My attitude needs a makeover. I was so excited, so ready, for this the first time around. Now I'm all negativity and rain clouds. I guess I'm going to go for a walk to the grocery store. Report card comments+bad health screening results+negative pregnancy test this morning= in need of sunshine and warmth.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Cinematherapy
Last night I was feeling a little down, so I headed to the local movie theater for some cinematherapy. I don't usually get to watch midnight movies on Thursday nights, but due to a day off I decided to check one out. My flick pick was Dan Who Lives At Home, so I shuffled into the nearly-empty movie theater with my sour punch straws, medium coke, and small popcorn. The movie was really enjoyable, and it was the perfect therapy for a bummed out brain. I appreciated how uplifting and affirming it was without being hackneyed or lame. It had something pretty honest and realistic to say about the human experience, but really it was just a simple, character-driven story, which is my favorite type of movie.
As I left the theater though, I was confronted with these lovely movie posters. Okay, obviously everything about pregnancy makes me jealous and cynical right now, but even if I'd never had a miscarriage, I don't think I'd have any desire to see this movie. These chick-flicks that insult female intelligence and wheedle us down to the lowest common denominator are not my favorites. Guys versions of how we think. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I won't look like Cameron Diaz when I get pregnant. lol. It just looks a little silly, so I'm not interested. But then again, isn't that like every single movie that comes out these days? It's not often that I actually get the urge to head to the movie theatre nowadays. But you just watch, I'll be eating my words in like four months when I'm pregnant and I'm all like "I wanna go see the stupid pregnant lady movie". lol.
Thursday was a pretty good day all in all. I didn't eat well, unless you consider pizza in the Little Caesars parking lot to be a well-balanced meal, but I did get some walking in on a very windy and foggy night. I guess we've been a little spoiled with 75 degree days. It's still March, after all. My total walking for the day was 3.3 miles which is pretty decent, so I'm feeling pretty good. Hopefully the weather will stay nice, and I'll get to walk this much consistently going forward.
As I left the theater though, I was confronted with these lovely movie posters. Okay, obviously everything about pregnancy makes me jealous and cynical right now, but even if I'd never had a miscarriage, I don't think I'd have any desire to see this movie. These chick-flicks that insult female intelligence and wheedle us down to the lowest common denominator are not my favorites. Guys versions of how we think. Or maybe I'm just jealous that I won't look like Cameron Diaz when I get pregnant. lol. It just looks a little silly, so I'm not interested. But then again, isn't that like every single movie that comes out these days? It's not often that I actually get the urge to head to the movie theatre nowadays. But you just watch, I'll be eating my words in like four months when I'm pregnant and I'm all like "I wanna go see the stupid pregnant lady movie". lol.
Thursday was a pretty good day all in all. I didn't eat well, unless you consider pizza in the Little Caesars parking lot to be a well-balanced meal, but I did get some walking in on a very windy and foggy night. I guess we've been a little spoiled with 75 degree days. It's still March, after all. My total walking for the day was 3.3 miles which is pretty decent, so I'm feeling pretty good. Hopefully the weather will stay nice, and I'll get to walk this much consistently going forward.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Negatives of Trying to Conceive
When you tell people you are "trying to conceive", people often think it must be an exciting time in your life. Of course, it is, but not without some darker sides. They assume that it must be filled with romantic rendezvouses and excited AM pregnancy tests (that of course end in squeels and hugs). What they don't picture is a very frustrated woman sitting on her couch and wishing she could have a few glasses of wine after a stressful week. But oh no...she can't.
Why? She's 28 and gainfully employed. She doesn't have work tomorrow. Oh, right...because there's this not so exciting period while trying to conceive between the trying and the testing--a sort of procreational purgatory. During this time, between days 20 and 28, you might be pregnant and therefore can't do anything fun whatsoever. But then you get to day 28 and find out that you weren't pregnant at all, and you could have easily had that bottle of wine four days prior. There in lies the rub.
In the end, I suppose that...sigh...it's all worth it. lol. Of course it is. I certainly would surrender ever drinking a drop of Cab Sav again if it meant I could be preggers right now, but the fussy 18 year old in me wants to stomp my feet and go, "It's not fair!". lol.
In other news...today the husband and I went on an absolutely delightful 6.2 mile walk. The weather was stellar and the lake winked at us with sparkling cerulean eyes. The city was a vision on the horizon, a specter cloaked in a thin veil of fog. I love walking; there's no better way to fall in love with this city.
Why? She's 28 and gainfully employed. She doesn't have work tomorrow. Oh, right...because there's this not so exciting period while trying to conceive between the trying and the testing--a sort of procreational purgatory. During this time, between days 20 and 28, you might be pregnant and therefore can't do anything fun whatsoever. But then you get to day 28 and find out that you weren't pregnant at all, and you could have easily had that bottle of wine four days prior. There in lies the rub.
In the end, I suppose that...sigh...it's all worth it. lol. Of course it is. I certainly would surrender ever drinking a drop of Cab Sav again if it meant I could be preggers right now, but the fussy 18 year old in me wants to stomp my feet and go, "It's not fair!". lol.
In other news...today the husband and I went on an absolutely delightful 6.2 mile walk. The weather was stellar and the lake winked at us with sparkling cerulean eyes. The city was a vision on the horizon, a specter cloaked in a thin veil of fog. I love walking; there's no better way to fall in love with this city.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Chilly Walks
My ears are frozen! 2.4 miles walked tonight despite the dropping temperatures. I'd like to start jogging again, but I'm honestly kind of scared and embarassed to start back up. I've put on so much weight since I used to run regularly, and it's frankly pretty shameful to think of galloping my fat bones down a public street. Guess I'll just have to wait until the sun goes down. lol.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another Day Outdoors
Now that I've been walking more often, I need to get my caffeine intake and eating under better control. The eating has been better than it was a month ago, but I weighed myself this morning and nearly died of shock. I'm up more than 10lbs since the miscarriage and 40lbs over my lowest weight last summer. That's unacceptable...like WAY unacceptable. Plus I've been having headaches lately, and I think the caffeine and sugar intake is to blame. That'll be the next step.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Bliss
Today was like...a great day...no...an awesome day. Everything that's been wrong and been making me feel horrible since the loss just melted away with the last of the snow today.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
I walked to the beach and then headed back to my house. Every minute of those 3.7 miles felt like bliss. I felt born again. I felt healed. It's kind of a stupid song, but there's a line in "Jumper" that really fits here. The song asks the pretty simple question, "Can you put the past away?". After today, I feel like the answer is yes. I can't throw it away, and I can't forget it. But as the temperature warms up again and the light of the sun fights off the darkness, I think I'm ready to put it away. Fold it in a drawer and keep on walking.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Health Screening
Yesterday was the free health screening at my job. They do your blood pressure, a couple blood tests, and ask you a series of questions to assess your overall health. I've done it every year, and it's really nice that my job offers it. I'm all kinds of paranoid about everything, so any test that they can run is fine by me.
This year's test was a little depressing though because I really have allowed myself to fall out of so many of the healthy behaviors I developed in 2010 and 2011. The first blow to my self esteem was putting my weight on the entry sheet. I didn't want to lie, but as I wrote down the truth I just wanted to punch myself in the face. I could sit her and try to pretend that some of that weight was the fault of the pregnancy, but give me a freaking break. We know it was just me enjoying horrible food for months. One thing I'm definitely NOT going to do the second time around? Allow myself to splurge and eat everything I want the second I pee positive on that strip.
At least my blood pressure was low as usual, but the health questions were also totally painful to my ego. They asked questions about your diet, exercise routine, etc. Had I answered these questions in August of 2011, my results would have been pretty stellar. But now? I know that when I get my results in the mail I'm going to be crushed. So I guess the only solution is to fix myself and my habits back to what they were before the pregnancy and before the loss. This has gotten out of hand.
This year's test was a little depressing though because I really have allowed myself to fall out of so many of the healthy behaviors I developed in 2010 and 2011. The first blow to my self esteem was putting my weight on the entry sheet. I didn't want to lie, but as I wrote down the truth I just wanted to punch myself in the face. I could sit her and try to pretend that some of that weight was the fault of the pregnancy, but give me a freaking break. We know it was just me enjoying horrible food for months. One thing I'm definitely NOT going to do the second time around? Allow myself to splurge and eat everything I want the second I pee positive on that strip.
At least my blood pressure was low as usual, but the health questions were also totally painful to my ego. They asked questions about your diet, exercise routine, etc. Had I answered these questions in August of 2011, my results would have been pretty stellar. But now? I know that when I get my results in the mail I'm going to be crushed. So I guess the only solution is to fix myself and my habits back to what they were before the pregnancy and before the loss. This has gotten out of hand.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Walkin'
Today I walked 1.8 miles on my old nightly route with my sister, and yesterday I made my friend meet me at work for an afternoon walk. We got in 1.9 miles. I've been taking my vitamins and sticking to the vegetarian thing...so now it's just calories that I need to get in line. I'm feeling...back on track? Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Poop.
I was supposed to start calorie counting again today, but after working for ten hours, rushing the the post office right before it closed, and coming home to find out that my email had been freaking hacked...yeah, I needed some caloric therapy. The email hacking thing was the cherry on top of the poop sundae. Not only did it hack and send to my contacts, but it sent to literally every person I've ever emailed. That includes publishers (some of whom are still considering my work...probably not after being hacked. eff.), coworkers, ex-bosses, and people I don't even remember.
Even though I experienced a caloric swan dive later on in the night, at least I was good during the day despite temptations of various sorts. I ate veggies without dip at the staff meeting and drank diet soda rather than regular. I'd like to cut soda altogether, but I'm not there yet. I need to get my body back on track though, and as soon as possible. While I really don't think we'll get pregnant right away, we are technically trying now. I'm back up to how much I weighed in August of 2010 (which was like 40lbs above where I was in the spring of 2011). I'm not going to regret getting pregnant right away if I happen to be so lucky, but I do think it's important to attempt to get my body back under control while we start trying. The healthier I am, the easier the pregnancy will be when it eventually happens. And aside from that...my pants are way too tight...and these are my fat pants.
Even though I experienced a caloric swan dive later on in the night, at least I was good during the day despite temptations of various sorts. I ate veggies without dip at the staff meeting and drank diet soda rather than regular. I'd like to cut soda altogether, but I'm not there yet. I need to get my body back on track though, and as soon as possible. While I really don't think we'll get pregnant right away, we are technically trying now. I'm back up to how much I weighed in August of 2010 (which was like 40lbs above where I was in the spring of 2011). I'm not going to regret getting pregnant right away if I happen to be so lucky, but I do think it's important to attempt to get my body back under control while we start trying. The healthier I am, the easier the pregnancy will be when it eventually happens. And aside from that...my pants are way too tight...and these are my fat pants.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Two Things
Two things happened this evening...
First, I got really excited about the prospect of beginning the trying to conceive journey. I don't know why it just hit me all at once tonight, but I was sitting on the couch and thinking about buying pregnancy tests for the next cycle and I was all of a sudden overcome with a wave of euphoria. I get to become a mommy all over again. That prospect is scary, but it's also really really exciting. I'm filled with hope about the second time around, but mostly I'm just excited that I'm able to depart once again. This is the only time I've ever been happy to see my period.
Secondly, I reached my fill of cute freaking babies on facebook. Facebook becomes an uncomfortable place in your mid to late twenties I think. All of a sudden everyone is posting wedding photos, changing their statuses, posting pregnant belly photos, posting cute videos of their kid's first steps. And if you aren't where you want to be (in any respect), that can get to be a little much from time to time. My cousin is teaching her baby the word "yes" and there's a video. Yippy. My high school friends' kids all look super cute in knit caps. Awesome. I sound bitter, and I guess I am. The trick is to not be jealous, and to just close facebook for a little while and do something else. In time, I'll be one of those annoying people, too. I personally can't wait. But for now I just have to focus on me.
In other news, I'm still meat free and I haven't smoked in five days (which is great considering my post-loss relapse). I'm hoping that some warm weather tomorrow will give me some walking opportunities, but I got in 1.9 miles of walking downtown today. It felt good to get moving again; I've let this wallow in your own self pity crap go on for way too long.
First, I got really excited about the prospect of beginning the trying to conceive journey. I don't know why it just hit me all at once tonight, but I was sitting on the couch and thinking about buying pregnancy tests for the next cycle and I was all of a sudden overcome with a wave of euphoria. I get to become a mommy all over again. That prospect is scary, but it's also really really exciting. I'm filled with hope about the second time around, but mostly I'm just excited that I'm able to depart once again. This is the only time I've ever been happy to see my period.
Secondly, I reached my fill of cute freaking babies on facebook. Facebook becomes an uncomfortable place in your mid to late twenties I think. All of a sudden everyone is posting wedding photos, changing their statuses, posting pregnant belly photos, posting cute videos of their kid's first steps. And if you aren't where you want to be (in any respect), that can get to be a little much from time to time. My cousin is teaching her baby the word "yes" and there's a video. Yippy. My high school friends' kids all look super cute in knit caps. Awesome. I sound bitter, and I guess I am. The trick is to not be jealous, and to just close facebook for a little while and do something else. In time, I'll be one of those annoying people, too. I personally can't wait. But for now I just have to focus on me.
In other news, I'm still meat free and I haven't smoked in five days (which is great considering my post-loss relapse). I'm hoping that some warm weather tomorrow will give me some walking opportunities, but I got in 1.9 miles of walking downtown today. It felt good to get moving again; I've let this wallow in your own self pity crap go on for way too long.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Flashbacks
Don't get me wrong; I'm totally ecstatic that I'm cycling once again and ready to get back up on the old horse, but now I know why some women say it's hard to have their first period post miscarriage. Every time I...well...wipe...it's like a flashback to that bathroom in Vegas all over again. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing that bright red color, the sheer volume of blood, and knowing right then and there that it was over. Overall, my period is certainly a good thing. But it's gonna take a while to not associate blood with loss in my brain.
In good news, this vegetarian thing is working out really really well. I had morningstar chicken nuggets for dinner tonight, and they were totally edible. Earlier in the week I had nachos with morningstar fake ground beef. This was also totally fine to eat and cured my craving. It's been making me feel good that no creatures had to die to feed my fat butt, and I think I have the capacity to become really pretentious and condescending about this...but I'll attempt to stay accepting. lol.
Lastly, it's time to get back to my other blog as well. I've been neglecting it lately. Check it out here.
In good news, this vegetarian thing is working out really really well. I had morningstar chicken nuggets for dinner tonight, and they were totally edible. Earlier in the week I had nachos with morningstar fake ground beef. This was also totally fine to eat and cured my craving. It's been making me feel good that no creatures had to die to feed my fat butt, and I think I have the capacity to become really pretentious and condescending about this...but I'll attempt to stay accepting. lol.
Lastly, it's time to get back to my other blog as well. I've been neglecting it lately. Check it out here.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Sappy Sucker
It might not look it, what with my black wardrobe and emo glasses, but I am a sucker for a good heartwarming tale. That dolphin's tale movie? Yeah, I almost went to go see that by myself...on a weekend...night. I'm lame like that. One of my favorite chilling at home movies is Eight Below, so maybe it's just really a heartwarming animal thing I have. Whatever.
Last night my husband took me to go see Big Miracle at the local movie theater (after our vegetarian dinner!). You know, that's the movie with Drew Barrymore and that dude from The Office where they save the whales trapped underneath the Alaskan ice. Long story short, it was everything you thought it would be, pretty mediocre but also good for a few tears. That's all I was looking for.
But...and tread no further if you don't want SPOILERS...the movie was just not the type of movie that one should watch five weeks after a miscarriage. Why, you may ask? Because of the three whales--the mama, papa & baby--it's the baby who doesn't make it. And not only does the baby not make it and the adults do, but it's like every bit of dialogue surrounding the death of the baby whale could have been applied to the loss of our baby. Of course, I can't remember any of the lines now, but there was all this stuff about how the parents stayed with him as long as they could. How he wasn't strong enough or healthy enough to make it, but they tried to help him any way. Needless to say, I was bawling. Thankfully it was an empty theater so no one was like "what's with that crazy lady?"...except maybe my husband. lol.
In the end though, despite the freaky similarities to my life situation, it was a nice movie. In fact, the final shots are of both the parent whales swimming out to sea together. Since I (tmi) just got my first post-miscarriage period yesterday and that signals the start of the next step in the journey, it was nice to think of my husband and myself as swimming out to sea and freedom together. We stayed with our baby as long as we could, but in the end we know she couldn't come with us and we're still swimming towards a better tomorrow.
Last night my husband took me to go see Big Miracle at the local movie theater (after our vegetarian dinner!). You know, that's the movie with Drew Barrymore and that dude from The Office where they save the whales trapped underneath the Alaskan ice. Long story short, it was everything you thought it would be, pretty mediocre but also good for a few tears. That's all I was looking for.
But...and tread no further if you don't want SPOILERS...the movie was just not the type of movie that one should watch five weeks after a miscarriage. Why, you may ask? Because of the three whales--the mama, papa & baby--it's the baby who doesn't make it. And not only does the baby not make it and the adults do, but it's like every bit of dialogue surrounding the death of the baby whale could have been applied to the loss of our baby. Of course, I can't remember any of the lines now, but there was all this stuff about how the parents stayed with him as long as they could. How he wasn't strong enough or healthy enough to make it, but they tried to help him any way. Needless to say, I was bawling. Thankfully it was an empty theater so no one was like "what's with that crazy lady?"...except maybe my husband. lol.
In the end though, despite the freaky similarities to my life situation, it was a nice movie. In fact, the final shots are of both the parent whales swimming out to sea together. Since I (tmi) just got my first post-miscarriage period yesterday and that signals the start of the next step in the journey, it was nice to think of my husband and myself as swimming out to sea and freedom together. We stayed with our baby as long as we could, but in the end we know she couldn't come with us and we're still swimming towards a better tomorrow.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
A Note to Moms
At the risk of offending some of my friends who have said this to me in the past, there is one statement that mothers should really refrain from saying to childless women who aren't that way entirely by their own choice.
A number of times in my life I've had the mothers of children I'm pretty close with say in a mock baby voice (you know, where they attempt to mime what the baby's thinking?)..."Who's this person? I don't know them!" or "I don't know you!"
Look, it's meant to be cute and maybe it's true. Doesn't really matter. Mothers should know that, to their childless friends who wish they weren't childless, their children are thought of as honorary god children, neices, and nephews. When you act as though your child doesn't know us from the mailman, even when we've been around them like twenty times, it makes us feel so marginalized. You hear a cute statement highlighting your baby's lack of a memory...WE hear "ha ha ha ha. you don't have a baby and I do."
Don't know if that makes any sense, but I just thought I'd make a PSA. Moms...don't say this to your friends. It's never meant maliciously, but it makes us feel so unimportant and lacking maternal touch. Might be silly, but that's just how it feels.
A number of times in my life I've had the mothers of children I'm pretty close with say in a mock baby voice (you know, where they attempt to mime what the baby's thinking?)..."Who's this person? I don't know them!" or "I don't know you!"
Look, it's meant to be cute and maybe it's true. Doesn't really matter. Mothers should know that, to their childless friends who wish they weren't childless, their children are thought of as honorary god children, neices, and nephews. When you act as though your child doesn't know us from the mailman, even when we've been around them like twenty times, it makes us feel so marginalized. You hear a cute statement highlighting your baby's lack of a memory...WE hear "ha ha ha ha. you don't have a baby and I do."
Don't know if that makes any sense, but I just thought I'd make a PSA. Moms...don't say this to your friends. It's never meant maliciously, but it makes us feel so unimportant and lacking maternal touch. Might be silly, but that's just how it feels.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Feverish
Being sick makes me super vulnerable and emotional.
I caught a bug from my students (one of those feverish throat/sinus things) and slept for 14 hours last night. At the request of my boss, I went to the doctor today for a strep test (which I'm pretty sure will be negative).
Going to the doctor again was rough. My primary care physician's office is in the same building as one of my ob/gyn's offices, and I hadn't been in that building since the miscarriage. As I pulled into the parking lot, I started getting all choked up and upset. Being sick made me super emotional and vulnerable to the pain of the memory, and the thought that I'd have to inform my primary care physician of the loss didn't make things any easier.
When I told him, he looked at me like some kind of wounded animal. He calmly said, "Are you okay?", but answering yes was so difficult. I didn't want to cry in front of the guy, so I choked back tears and said yes, but I'm sure he now thinks I'm an emotional basket case...which I'm not. It just wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to talk about when I was all sick and fragile. Ugh. Sucks.
I need my period. I want my period. I feel so useless and lost at times. I'm a person who loves to have control, and right now I feel like I've lost all ability to control my situation and my body. I know I never really had control in the first place; a miscarriage reminds you of that pretty clearly, but I'd like at least the illusion of control. And I hate being sick. I'd like to feel healthy and happy and productive again. I guess it's just one of those days.
I caught a bug from my students (one of those feverish throat/sinus things) and slept for 14 hours last night. At the request of my boss, I went to the doctor today for a strep test (which I'm pretty sure will be negative).
Going to the doctor again was rough. My primary care physician's office is in the same building as one of my ob/gyn's offices, and I hadn't been in that building since the miscarriage. As I pulled into the parking lot, I started getting all choked up and upset. Being sick made me super emotional and vulnerable to the pain of the memory, and the thought that I'd have to inform my primary care physician of the loss didn't make things any easier.
When I told him, he looked at me like some kind of wounded animal. He calmly said, "Are you okay?", but answering yes was so difficult. I didn't want to cry in front of the guy, so I choked back tears and said yes, but I'm sure he now thinks I'm an emotional basket case...which I'm not. It just wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to talk about when I was all sick and fragile. Ugh. Sucks.
I need my period. I want my period. I feel so useless and lost at times. I'm a person who loves to have control, and right now I feel like I've lost all ability to control my situation and my body. I know I never really had control in the first place; a miscarriage reminds you of that pretty clearly, but I'd like at least the illusion of control. And I hate being sick. I'd like to feel healthy and happy and productive again. I guess it's just one of those days.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
What Women of Loss Want
I once saw this list of fifteen or so things that women who have experienced a loss want other people to know. Many of the things on the list were very true for me, but some didn't really apply, so it doesn't make much sense to share the list. But there was one thing on the list that is very very true. It went a little something like this...
I want you to know that I'm going to mention my loss...like not infrequently. And when I do, I don't want you to get all quiet or uncomfortable, and it doesn't need to be this moment where everyone looks at me like I'm broken. I had a miscarriage. We lost our baby. It happens. We're sad about it, but we're all going to be okay. At the end of the day, it's another moment in my life and to never talk about or reference it is to pretend like it's something shameful...which it isn't. So when I bring it up, it's okay to treat it like you would anything else I say. And it's okay for you to bring it up. You're part of my life and you went through it, too. We can talk about it. We need to talk about it. Sometimes we might even need to joke about it. I don't want to brush it under the rug.
I want you to know that I'm going to mention my loss...like not infrequently. And when I do, I don't want you to get all quiet or uncomfortable, and it doesn't need to be this moment where everyone looks at me like I'm broken. I had a miscarriage. We lost our baby. It happens. We're sad about it, but we're all going to be okay. At the end of the day, it's another moment in my life and to never talk about or reference it is to pretend like it's something shameful...which it isn't. So when I bring it up, it's okay to treat it like you would anything else I say. And it's okay for you to bring it up. You're part of my life and you went through it, too. We can talk about it. We need to talk about it. Sometimes we might even need to joke about it. I don't want to brush it under the rug.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Lifestyle Change?
I am doing better about being productive, useful and health...but I still have a long way to go. Since the miscarriage, my husband and I have been talking about becoming vegetarians. Not sure why this came up, but it seems like it might be an interesting road to travel. I hate the idea of eating dead flesh, and it's certainly not in line with my religious beliefs. So my plan is to go vegetarian on Monday. I'm hoping, indirectly, that this helps to get me back on the right track with my eating. I'd like to get back to calorie counting sooner rather than later.
So tomorrow is the last day of meat! woot!
So tomorrow is the last day of meat! woot!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Back to this Crazy Business
I was the WORST person when we were trying to conceive the first time around. I scrutinized literally every twitch of a muscle in my body; I was on webmd more than I was on my own email. I was that crazy (and wasteful) woman who took pregnancy tests like four days before her period was due and tracked every symptom in her iPhone. Wanna know the dates and times of every sexual experience I've had in the last ten months? Sadly, thanks to my terrifying personal shortcomings (crippling anxiety and a manic need to control), I could tell you.
It's all starting again, but at least I have more of a sense of humor about my own psychosis this time around. Am I going to be more relaxed about any of this? Heck no. Those who know me know that's not possible, and I hate when people give me advice like "just relax". Gee...why didn't I think of that? It's not possible. It wasn't possible when I was 7 and doing my math homework; it's certainly not going to be possible when I'm 28 and making a baby. But at least I can laugh about my neurosis, and that's something.
So anyway, it's back to Googling random phrases like "early pregnancy symptoms" on my iPhone at stop lights. It's back to routinely pushing against my chest to see if it's "sore". And it's back to keeping clear blue easy in business. Here's to hoping this round is a little more direct...and hopefully more fruitful. But at least until my aunt flo decides to visit it's not really at the top of my mind at all times.
You're welcome for the TMI, by the way.
It's all starting again, but at least I have more of a sense of humor about my own psychosis this time around. Am I going to be more relaxed about any of this? Heck no. Those who know me know that's not possible, and I hate when people give me advice like "just relax". Gee...why didn't I think of that? It's not possible. It wasn't possible when I was 7 and doing my math homework; it's certainly not going to be possible when I'm 28 and making a baby. But at least I can laugh about my neurosis, and that's something.
So anyway, it's back to Googling random phrases like "early pregnancy symptoms" on my iPhone at stop lights. It's back to routinely pushing against my chest to see if it's "sore". And it's back to keeping clear blue easy in business. Here's to hoping this round is a little more direct...and hopefully more fruitful. But at least until my aunt flo decides to visit it's not really at the top of my mind at all times.
You're welcome for the TMI, by the way.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Workaholic
I've been pretty crazy at work, so I haven't gotten as back into working out and cooking at home as I'd like. But at least I've been three days smoke free again! woot! And I really am feeling a lot more positive. So there's something.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Random Thought of the Day
You know what? Sometimes it feels like the whole pregnancy was all in my head. Like I just made it all up. I think that emotion's made even stronger because I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms when I was pregnant, and the loss was pretty swift and clean.
Also...it feels like a long, long time ago. I guess that's a good thing, but it's just...I don't know...weird...
In positive news, day 2 smoke free!
Also...it feels like a long, long time ago. I guess that's a good thing, but it's just...I don't know...weird...
In positive news, day 2 smoke free!
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