Back to this Crazy Business

I was the WORST person when we were trying to conceive the first time around. I scrutinized literally every twitch of a muscle in my body; I was on webmd more than I was on my own email. I was that crazy (and wasteful) woman who took pregnancy tests like four days before her period was due and tracked every symptom in her iPhone. Wanna know the dates and times of every sexual experience I've had in the last ten months? Sadly, thanks to my terrifying personal shortcomings (crippling anxiety and a manic need to control), I could tell you.

It's all starting again, but at least I have more of a sense of humor about my own psychosis this time around. Am I going to be more relaxed about any of this? Heck no. Those who know me know that's not possible, and I hate when people give me advice like "just relax". Gee...why didn't I think of that? It's not possible. It wasn't possible when I was 7 and doing my math homework; it's certainly not going to be possible when I'm 28 and making a baby. But at least I can laugh about my neurosis, and that's something.

So anyway, it's back to Googling random phrases like "early pregnancy symptoms" on my iPhone at stop lights. It's back to routinely pushing against my chest to see if it's "sore". And it's back to keeping clear blue easy in business. Here's to hoping this round is a little more direct...and hopefully more fruitful. But at least until my aunt flo decides to visit it's not really at the top of my mind at all times.

You're welcome for the TMI, by the way.

Workaholic

I've been pretty crazy at work, so I haven't gotten as back into working out and cooking at home as I'd like. But at least I've been three days smoke free again! woot! And I really am feeling a lot more positive. So there's something.

Random Thought of the Day

You know what? Sometimes it feels like the whole pregnancy was all in my head. Like I just made it all up. I think that emotion's made even stronger because I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms when I was pregnant, and the loss was pretty swift and clean.

Also...it feels like a long, long time ago. I guess that's a good thing, but it's just...I don't know...weird...

In positive news, day 2 smoke free!

Happiness: 5 minutes or Less

It's 9pm and I haven't smoked a cigarette all day. Already, I can feel my mood improving. I have to wonder how much of my moodiness over the past week or so was miscarriage related and how much of it was cigarette related.

Any way, since it's been a tough journey so far and it's only just begun, I thought I'd share some of my favorite videos for when I need a good pick-me-up. After all, without cigarettes, something has to fill the void. Hope these bring a smile to your face...

#1: Bruno Mar's "Lazy Day"
I'm not a fan of most current popular music, but this is just...perfect. Try watching this without smiling. Just try.

#2: "Knife or Banana" by Onision
I first discovered this one on Tosh.0, but it's total bizarre lack of anything normal, linear, or tangible makes it perfectly fashioned to brighten (or at least confuse) a bad day.

#3: Mashups/Autotunes
I'm really a sucker for any good mashup or autotune, but these are three of my favorites. Proof that anything can be music? Yes. Proof that even screwed up things can be entertaining/funny? Also true. Proof that while the rest of the world might forget about a certain meme, I latch on to a couple and hold on? Yes, sir.

#4: Geico's Squealing Pig
Some people have told me they find these commercials to be a little annoying, but I think they're hilarious. Can't beat the original though.

If none of these were able to make your day even a little brighter, then I got nothing for ya! Hope this evening finds you well. It finds me hopeful, somewhat productive, and ready to get things moving.

Baby Therapy

When I first walked into my friends' house to watch the super bowl tonight, I was immediately in defensive position. I had expected a few people watching the game, but I was not expecting three children under the age of four plus my friend who's visibly pregnant to be there. While I didn't have any problems hanging out with them, I was unprepared emotionally for the fertile bombardment.

But after I settled into the environment, I actually found the presence of this young life to be quiet rejuvenating. I love kids. Over the past few weeks, I have definitely had moments of doubt: doubt in my own ability as a mother, doubt in my desire to be a parent. But being around all those little hands and feet tonight reminded me that I don't have a doubt in the world. I want to be a mommy, and I'm more than ready to be a mommy. As my friends' daughter fell asleep on my chest, I thought about my journey. I thought about the cigarette I wasn't having because she was asleep on top of me. And I didn't care. None of it mattered. It didn't matter that I had to eat my pie left-handed or that I couldn't watch the game. All that mattered was her and giving her a soft, warm place to sleep.

I'm ready. I'm bruised, but I'm ready.

Mind Makeover

I kind of feel like this whole experience has made me regress a little bit. I feel like I'm back to who I was in the summer of 2010. I'm not a fan of that person. She does little that's productive unless it's associated with her work. She's like a nonfunctional robot. She works, watches TV, smokes, sleeps, repeats. She doesn't exercise or count calories. She doesn't write or take in the sights. That person was more machine than man, and I have no interest in becoming that person again.

And yet...I have. But no more.

Tomorrow I go back to work a little bit more caught up with my work than I had been previously (thanks to more than 8 hours of work during my "weekend"). I'll take this (and the gorgeous weather) as a sign that it's time to rediscover my motivated, passionate, adventurous self. Time to quit smoking. Time to go for more walks and write more blogs. I need to regain some semblance of self-care or how will I ever be once again ready to be a mommy? I guess I just don't feel like I deserve it right now. I haven't done a thing to prove I'm worthy of it in nearly a month.

So tomorrow it's walking, going to the grocery store, and not smoking. These things must happen, and I believe that if I keep the end goal in mind...they will.

Reopening the Sacred Vessel

As many of you know, I kind of let my cigarette smoking habit slip back in to my life since the miscarriage. It seemed like such a good excuse, but my goal was always to go back to being smoke-free as soon as the doctor gave me the all clear.

So, long story short, I have not smoked all day. Despite thinking about smoking every ten to thirty minutes, it's almost 10pm and I'm going to head to bed without nicotine once again. I was smoke free from March 2011 until January 2012...almost a year...time to start over and keep working.