Bliss

Today was like...a great day...no...an awesome day. Everything that's been wrong and been making me feel horrible since the loss just melted away with the last of the snow today.

Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.

But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.

As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.

I walked to the beach and then headed back to my house. Every minute of those 3.7 miles felt like bliss. I felt born again. I felt healed. It's kind of a stupid song, but there's a line in "Jumper" that really fits here. The song asks the pretty simple question, "Can you put the past away?". After today, I feel like the answer is yes. I can't throw it away, and I can't forget it. But as the temperature warms up again and the light of the sun fights off the darkness, I think I'm ready to put it away. Fold it in a drawer and keep on walking.