Last Night...

Fate is a sassy bitch. A couple of days after my miscarriage I received my monthly coupon text message from Target. I'm always looking for deals, so I opened it. And what was one of the offers that had never been there any other month? $3 off of maternity clothes. eff.

At first I just laughed at the cruel irony of the situation, but then I started thinking why not use it? It's not like I'm going to be childless forever? With that positive attitude, I headed to Target last night and casually flipped through the sale rack. My mindset was in a "hey, if I find something good..." place, and I tried to feign apathy the entire time...even though no one was watching but me.

Eventually, I found something definitely worth putting away for a better (and belly-er) day: a green 3/4 sleeve sweater with puckered maternity seems. It was on sale for $7. Subtract the $3 coupon from that, and you can't really pass up a $4 maternity sweater. Well, I guess you can...but I didn't.

As I purchased it, I was really proud of my stable mindsight and progressive attitude. But as I loaded the bags into the car, and we drove away from Target? The day just started to drain me all in one moment. I thought about the uncertainty of the $4 purchase. Who knows when I'll get pregnant again? Maybe I'll be wearing maternity clothes in July, and a sweater will have been a laughable purchase. Maybe I'll never get pregnant, and that sweater will just sit in my drawer: a sore on my memory. It was $4, but all of a sudden it felt like so much more than that. I felt like a freaking liar for buying it. I'm not pregnant, after all. What right do I have to buy maternity clothes?

In my frustration, I decided that I didn't care at all about my calories...not just yet. Not smoking yesterday...and today...was hard enough, so I allowed myself a little bit of wiggle room in the calorie department. I'm not as stable as I keep pretending to be. Not time to remove all of my crutches just yet.