When you tell people you are "trying to conceive", people often think it must be an exciting time in your life. Of course, it is, but not without some darker sides. They assume that it must be filled with romantic rendezvouses and excited AM pregnancy tests (that of course end in squeels and hugs). What they don't picture is a very frustrated woman sitting on her couch and wishing she could have a few glasses of wine after a stressful week. But oh no...she can't.
Why? She's 28 and gainfully employed. She doesn't have work tomorrow. Oh, right...because there's this not so exciting period while trying to conceive between the trying and the testing--a sort of procreational purgatory. During this time, between days 20 and 28, you might be pregnant and therefore can't do anything fun whatsoever. But then you get to day 28 and find out that you weren't pregnant at all, and you could have easily had that bottle of wine four days prior. There in lies the rub.
In the end, I suppose that...sigh...it's all worth it. lol. Of course it is. I certainly would surrender ever drinking a drop of Cab Sav again if it meant I could be preggers right now, but the fussy 18 year old in me wants to stomp my feet and go, "It's not fair!". lol.
In other news...today the husband and I went on an absolutely delightful 6.2 mile walk. The weather was stellar and the lake winked at us with sparkling cerulean eyes. The city was a vision on the horizon, a specter cloaked in a thin veil of fog. I love walking; there's no better way to fall in love with this city.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Chilly Walks
My ears are frozen! 2.4 miles walked tonight despite the dropping temperatures. I'd like to start jogging again, but I'm honestly kind of scared and embarassed to start back up. I've put on so much weight since I used to run regularly, and it's frankly pretty shameful to think of galloping my fat bones down a public street. Guess I'll just have to wait until the sun goes down. lol.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Eating was better today, but I still didn't count calories. Maybe tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another Day Outdoors
Now that I've been walking more often, I need to get my caffeine intake and eating under better control. The eating has been better than it was a month ago, but I weighed myself this morning and nearly died of shock. I'm up more than 10lbs since the miscarriage and 40lbs over my lowest weight last summer. That's unacceptable...like WAY unacceptable. Plus I've been having headaches lately, and I think the caffeine and sugar intake is to blame. That'll be the next step.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Bliss
Today was like...a great day...no...an awesome day. Everything that's been wrong and been making me feel horrible since the loss just melted away with the last of the snow today.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
I walked to the beach and then headed back to my house. Every minute of those 3.7 miles felt like bliss. I felt born again. I felt healed. It's kind of a stupid song, but there's a line in "Jumper" that really fits here. The song asks the pretty simple question, "Can you put the past away?". After today, I feel like the answer is yes. I can't throw it away, and I can't forget it. But as the temperature warms up again and the light of the sun fights off the darkness, I think I'm ready to put it away. Fold it in a drawer and keep on walking.
Since the weather reports were all predicting wonderful weather, I actually decided to leave work at a reasonable time this afternoon. I've been staying at work later and later recently. Part of this is that I'm just busy and trying to be a good worker, but part of it is also that I'm drowning my sorrows in my work. There's something about work that gives me purpose, and a sense of purpose was something I desperately needed once I was no longer pregnant.
But today I was in my car at 4:15pm and heading home. Once home, I didn't just plop down on the couch. Instead, I changed clothes, put on my gym shoes, grabbed my headphones, and headed out into the 70 degree weather. You have to love Chicago for that; it always finds a way to grant us these random, beautiful days from time to time.
As I started to walk, keeping a solid pace, something happened to me. I can't really explain it, but somewhere between "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind and "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty (my favorite song ever), my whole word just seemed so perfectly aligned. Everything seemed right; I actually felt good. I've been feeling fat and sickly and useless and anxious, but that's not how I felt at 5pm today. At 5pm today, I felt vivacious and hopeful and alive. The day was perfect; people were everywhere. While walking I had the old feeling I used to get when I was walking every day--the feeling that I'm not alone on my journey through life. Seeing people out and about is so affirming. It reminds us that we're all in this together.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Health Screening
Yesterday was the free health screening at my job. They do your blood pressure, a couple blood tests, and ask you a series of questions to assess your overall health. I've done it every year, and it's really nice that my job offers it. I'm all kinds of paranoid about everything, so any test that they can run is fine by me.
This year's test was a little depressing though because I really have allowed myself to fall out of so many of the healthy behaviors I developed in 2010 and 2011. The first blow to my self esteem was putting my weight on the entry sheet. I didn't want to lie, but as I wrote down the truth I just wanted to punch myself in the face. I could sit her and try to pretend that some of that weight was the fault of the pregnancy, but give me a freaking break. We know it was just me enjoying horrible food for months. One thing I'm definitely NOT going to do the second time around? Allow myself to splurge and eat everything I want the second I pee positive on that strip.
At least my blood pressure was low as usual, but the health questions were also totally painful to my ego. They asked questions about your diet, exercise routine, etc. Had I answered these questions in August of 2011, my results would have been pretty stellar. But now? I know that when I get my results in the mail I'm going to be crushed. So I guess the only solution is to fix myself and my habits back to what they were before the pregnancy and before the loss. This has gotten out of hand.
This year's test was a little depressing though because I really have allowed myself to fall out of so many of the healthy behaviors I developed in 2010 and 2011. The first blow to my self esteem was putting my weight on the entry sheet. I didn't want to lie, but as I wrote down the truth I just wanted to punch myself in the face. I could sit her and try to pretend that some of that weight was the fault of the pregnancy, but give me a freaking break. We know it was just me enjoying horrible food for months. One thing I'm definitely NOT going to do the second time around? Allow myself to splurge and eat everything I want the second I pee positive on that strip.
At least my blood pressure was low as usual, but the health questions were also totally painful to my ego. They asked questions about your diet, exercise routine, etc. Had I answered these questions in August of 2011, my results would have been pretty stellar. But now? I know that when I get my results in the mail I'm going to be crushed. So I guess the only solution is to fix myself and my habits back to what they were before the pregnancy and before the loss. This has gotten out of hand.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Walkin'
Today I walked 1.8 miles on my old nightly route with my sister, and yesterday I made my friend meet me at work for an afternoon walk. We got in 1.9 miles. I've been taking my vitamins and sticking to the vegetarian thing...so now it's just calories that I need to get in line. I'm feeling...back on track? Maybe not completely, but I'm getting there.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Poop.
I was supposed to start calorie counting again today, but after working for ten hours, rushing the the post office right before it closed, and coming home to find out that my email had been freaking hacked...yeah, I needed some caloric therapy. The email hacking thing was the cherry on top of the poop sundae. Not only did it hack and send to my contacts, but it sent to literally every person I've ever emailed. That includes publishers (some of whom are still considering my work...probably not after being hacked. eff.), coworkers, ex-bosses, and people I don't even remember.
Even though I experienced a caloric swan dive later on in the night, at least I was good during the day despite temptations of various sorts. I ate veggies without dip at the staff meeting and drank diet soda rather than regular. I'd like to cut soda altogether, but I'm not there yet. I need to get my body back on track though, and as soon as possible. While I really don't think we'll get pregnant right away, we are technically trying now. I'm back up to how much I weighed in August of 2010 (which was like 40lbs above where I was in the spring of 2011). I'm not going to regret getting pregnant right away if I happen to be so lucky, but I do think it's important to attempt to get my body back under control while we start trying. The healthier I am, the easier the pregnancy will be when it eventually happens. And aside from that...my pants are way too tight...and these are my fat pants.
Even though I experienced a caloric swan dive later on in the night, at least I was good during the day despite temptations of various sorts. I ate veggies without dip at the staff meeting and drank diet soda rather than regular. I'd like to cut soda altogether, but I'm not there yet. I need to get my body back on track though, and as soon as possible. While I really don't think we'll get pregnant right away, we are technically trying now. I'm back up to how much I weighed in August of 2010 (which was like 40lbs above where I was in the spring of 2011). I'm not going to regret getting pregnant right away if I happen to be so lucky, but I do think it's important to attempt to get my body back under control while we start trying. The healthier I am, the easier the pregnancy will be when it eventually happens. And aside from that...my pants are way too tight...and these are my fat pants.
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